An Unexpected Road Trip: If This is to End in Fire
by FarGreenCountrySwiftSunrise
Summary: After narrowly escaping from the Misty Mountains, Thorin Oakenshield and Company continue their quest to reclaim their homeland. They must pass through the deep south, avoid the perils of Mirkwood in Louisiana, and finally come to the Lonely Mountain in New Mexico. But what dangers and tricks is the dragon of the mountain preparing? What of the Orcs tracking them? And will Bramble
1. Chapter I: I Didn't Vote For You

An Unexpected Road Trip

If This is to End in Fire

Summary: After narrowly escaping from the Misty Mountains, Thorin Oakenshield and Company continue their quest to reclaim their homeland. They must pass through the deep south, avoid the perils of Mirkwood in Louisiana, and finally come to the Lonely Mountain in New Mexico. But what dangers and tricks is the dragon of the mountain preparing? What of the Orcs tracking them? And will Bramble Baggins be able to find the Arkenstone without becoming a victim of dragon fire? Modern Hobbit AU, Fem!Bilbo, and Bagginshield. Trigger Warning: Non-sexual violence against a woman and general sadism in chapters twenty-one and twenty-four.

A/N: Bramble inspired by notbecauseofvictories on Tumblr for her Angel Coulby photo set. Special thanks to The Hobbit Movies on Google+ recommended by for transcripts for the films.

Chapter I: I Didn't Vote For You

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Thorin knew he was broken. He had known it since the Battle of Azanulbizar when he enjoyed slicing off Azog's hand instead of considering it a necessity or a horror.

He tried not to show it, but some people could tell. Balin knew when he saw Thorin weep over Frerin's body, but he thought Thorin was still worth something, even worthy of kingship. Dwalin knew the first time they sparred after the battle, but he thought like Thorin would still be a good king just as Balin did. Dís figured it out when Thorin stopped playing his harp. She wept for him, but always, always supported him, never treating him like the broken thing he was. Fíli and Kíli knew since their childhood their uncle was not right, but they always looked up to him and followed him, even to face a dragon.

Bramble Baggins knew. She probably always knew, maybe even before they first met. Yet, she came on the quest. She thought he was a good man despite his past and the uncertainty of his future.

_She believed in him._

The Hobbit who loved books and maps. The Hobbit with multiple pantries. The Hobbit who was terrified of fighting and yet faced one of the most fearsome Orcs in history to protect Thorin. The Hobbit who _skipped _practically everywhere because she was just happy. _She believed in him._

And he had failed her. He had promised her he would protect her. Yet she was dying from a fall which should have never happened. He should have been there. He should have protected her. He should have been able to do something.

"Thorin, Beorn will be here soon," Gandalf said quietly as he crouched down next to where Thorin still held Bramble.

The Dwarf nodded.

"I am telling you this now because you will have to let Bramble go. He will help Bramble or else he would not have come. However, the rest of the Company…"

Thorin felt his mind beginning to work again. "What did you not tell me earlier?"

"I might have left out a detail or two."

"Wizard…"

Gandalf cleared his throat. "He is a skin-changer. Sometimes he's a huge black bear; sometimes he's a great strong man. The bear is unpredictable, but the man can be reasoned with. However, he is not over fond of Dwarves. Your sister has killed the Great Goblin, so that may assist your case. He will either help us or kill us."

"But not Bramble," Thorin said.

"No, he will not harm her," Gandalf said, "He knew Hobbits before they came to the Shire; he is fond of them."

Thorin grunted an acknowledgment. Internally, Thorin berated himself for putting the quest in danger while also belittling himself for risking Bramble's life for a mountain which would be around for a while longer.

"There is a way he might be more willing to help though," Gandalf said.

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Gandalf, Óin, Thorin, and Bramble were the only ones sitting on the gravel outside of the abandoned bar. The rest hid inside.

A white van pulled up next to the group. A man at least seven feet tall unfolded himself from the driver's seat.

"Gandalf," the man said.

"Beorn, your patient," Gandalf said, nodding his head to Bramble.

Beorn got on his knees next to Thorin. The two stared at each other, not saying a word.

Óin said, "If you two want to fight over who is Alpha Dog here, you will both lose since this is _my patient_."

Beorn looked down at Bramble. "What is wrong with her?"

"We think internal bleeding," Óin said, "She passed out about an hour ago and we haven't been able to wake her. We don't have any supplies to help her and there have been no cars."

"She is a Hobbit?" Beorn said.

"Yes," Thorin said.

"One Hobbit, two Dwarves, and a wizard. Why do I feel there is a story here, Gandalf?" Beorn said, "But I have no time for tales. We will have to go back to my clinic to operate. I do have the supplies to have one of you give her blood."

"She is B-positive," Gandalf said.

"I am O-negative," Thorin said, "Universal donor."

"And you have also loss a lot of blood yourself," Óin scolded.

"Maybe one of the others…" Gandalf said.

"Others?" Beorn said.

Gandalf whistled. Dwalin and Balin came out of the bar.

"More Dwarves," Beorn said darkly. He went back to the van to get the supplies.

"Are either of you B-positive?" Thorin asked.

"No," Balin said.

"I didn't think so," Thorin said. He stroked Bramble's hair.

"Get her into the bar," Beorn said when he returned with a medical bag, "I think the rest of your friends are waiting. Don't give me that look Gandalf. I can see them peeking through the windows."

After a moment of hesitation on Thorin's part, Bearn carefully picked up Bramble and carried her into the bar. The Dwarves eyed the tall stranger warily, but softened at the sight of Bramble.

"B-positive," Beorn said as he laid Bramble on a long table.

"I got B-positive!" Bofur and Bombur said at the same time. Bifur raised his hand and waved it enthusiastically.

"You with the ear hat, now," Beorn said.

Bofur ran over and rolled up his sleeves. "Glad it's me. Sis and I have been planning on basically adopting the professor anyway."

Beorn began looking for a vein in Bofur's arm. "This is proving difficult."

"Really? I've never had a problem before with doctors finding a place to stick me," Bofur said.

"When was the last time you had something to drink?" Beorn said.

"Uh… well, sometime about… a day ago. A little more," Bofur said.

"By all the…" Beorn growled. "And I assume the Hobbit is the same? No wonder she passed out. She's dehydrated and with the internal bleeding…" Beorn muttered to himself and left the bar.

"Where's he going?" Thorin said.

A few moments later, Beorn returned with a package of water bottles. "Drink up. We need to put a saline drip into the patient. I don't want to do a blood transfusion between species unless absolutely necessary."

"So, she'll be alright?" Kíli said.

Beorn answered, "I have no idea. She is dehydrated. Look at her nails and lips. All the signs are there. Thank the powers that be your wizard had some sense to call me. The lot of you are too attached to her to see the problem right in front of you. Dwarves!" The skin-changer began muttering to himself as he cleaned Bramble's hand to prepare the needle.

"What is your plan?" Thorin said.

"I am going to take her back to my clinic," Beorn said, "Since my assistant is off, I will need to take your healer with me. I might as well take the rest of you."

"My thanks," Thorin said.

"Don't thank me yet. I don't know if anything I do will help. She is not… my usual clientele," Beorn said.

"Hobbits are not common, no," Óin said.

"It's not that. I am a veterinarian. I can do surgery on a mouse, but one of the Free Folk?" Beorn shook his head. "Come on. I think I can fit all of you into my car."

"A VET?" the Dwarves yelled at the same time.

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The Company was stuffed into Beorn's white van. Balin, Dwalin, Bifur, and Bombur sat in the back. Nori, Ori, Glóin, and Óin were in the three middle seats. Fíli, Kíli, and Dís sat in the next row with Bramble lying across their laps. Dís held up the saline bag. Bofur and Thorin sat on the floor near the Hobbit. Gandalf and Dori shared the passenger seat in the front while Beorn drove.

About a half-hour later, Thorin said, "How much longer?"

"I am going as fast as I can while avoiding the Orc gangs and without alerting the police. Some of them have been stealing motorcycles until they run out of gas," Beorn said, "About fifteen minutes."

"Well, it could be worse," Bofur said.

Thorin glared. "Last time you said that, the Great Goblin landed on us. As your king, I am going to tell you to shut up."

"Well, I didn't vote for you," Bramble mumbled, her eyes still closed.

The Dwarves let out a cheer and tried to scramble over to Bramble. "Back off the lass!" Óin said, "Professor, wake up."

"Not the line," Bramble mumbled.

Thorin looked around at the group. "If any of you say a word of this, I will personally throw you off the top of Erebor."

The group was confused, but agreed.

Thorin knelt next to Bramble as best as he could in the cramped space. "You don't vote for kings."

"Well, how'd you become king, then?" Bramble mumbled.

"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king."

"Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony." Bramble opened her eyes slightly. "You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!" Bramble smiled.

"Something about violence inherit in the system comes after that," Thorin said.

Bramble nodded. "My line. Not dead?"

"That's another section entirely," Thorin said.

The Hobbit tried to shift her arm position, but found her movements restricted. "What's wrong with me?"

"Dehydration among other things. We are getting you help," Thorin said.

"Just a burglar. You have a quest."

"I need my… we need our burglar," Thorin said, "How are you feeling?"

"I still hurt," Bramble said, "Everyone okay?"

"Everyone is fine," Thorin said.

"You look like a chew toy," Bramble said.

Thorin huffed. "That's because I was one."

"Hmmm… can I go back to sleep?"

"No. You can't. You need to stay awake."

"I don't think I can."

"Bofur," Thorin said, "You are constantly keeping everyone up with your stories. Keep her awake."

"Aye, your majesty," Bofur said. They switched places. "Did I ever tell you about the time I accidentally stole Dwalin's ax?"

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Bramble barely clung to consciousness when Beorn finally stopped the van. Óin switched with Dís to carry the saline when Beorn lifted Bramble out of the car. "We will go into my clinic. My house is in the back. You may wait there or just outside the front desk," Beorn said.

Many flowers and fruit trees surrounded the buildings where the van had stopped. Bees the size of a grown man's thumb buzzed around. Dogs greeted Beorn, but kept out of his way.

"Lovely garden," Bramble said, "Why is it so hot though?"

"Florida is almost always warm, little bunny," Beorn said.

"Eagles called me that. Do I look like a bunny?" Bramble said.

"You are small and seem to be more prey than predator," Beorn said.

"I am not a bunny," Bramble mumbled, "I am… a folklorist. Much more fearsome."

Beorn laughed heartily as he ducked his head to avoid hitting the door frame which led to his clinic. "Much more fearsome indeed."

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A/N: I am aware because the mythology system in LOTR would not allow for the existence of the Holy Grail, _Monty Python and the Holy Grail _would not actually exist, but we are going to pretend it exists in some shape or form. Why? Rule of Funny.

If This Is to End in Fire Fancast

The World Is Not in Your Books and Maps Mix

If This Is to End in Fire Mix

Also, a reminder/for your information just in case it is not clear.

Female – Bramble "Bilbo" Baggins, Dís, Fíli, Bombur, Glóin, Dori, Nori, Ori, and Bard.

Male – Thorin, Kíli, Óin, Balin, Dwalin, Bifur, and Bofur.


	2. Chapter II: Siblings

Chapter II: Siblings

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Bramble's eyelids felt unusually heavy. She was in a twin bed with cool sheets. A ceiling fan, a desk fan, and the air conditioning ran at the same time, but the air was still stuffy. As she opened her eyes, she found the room mostly dark, but she could see a figure sitting up in another bed and another figure sitting in a chair, slumped over slightly. She tried to raise her right arm but found a slight pull from what she vaguely remembered to be an IV.

"Bram… burglar, are you awake?" Thorin said from the other bed.

"Where am I?" Bramble said.

The figure in the seat sat up. "Bramble? Lass?" Bofur said.

"Hi, Bofur," Bramble said.

"Thank the powers that be. I'll tell Óin," Bofur said, "Keep an eye on her and don't be messing with your stitches, either of ya." He ran out of the room.

"Where am I?" Bramble asked again.

"What was the last thing you remember?" Thorin said.

Bramble smiled. "You're a Monty Python fan."

"Hush. Not a word of that," Thorin said gruffly, "So you don't remember our host?"

"He's huge," Bramble said as she wriggled her nose, "He thinks I'm a bunny. I don't understand why. Can we have a little light?"

Thorin twisted a knob on a lamp which sat on the table between them. It was a white room with a popcorn ceiling. Thorin's wounds and scratches had been cleaned. She could see bandages wrapped around his left arm.

"What happened?" Bramble asked.

"Our host performed surgery on you with Óin," Thorin said, "There was a tear on your liver. They fixed it, but Bofur had to donate his blood. We are going to have to keep an eye on you to make sure Hobbit and Dwarf blood can mix without ill effects."

"Bofur donated? Daw. That sweetheart," Bramble said.

"I think all of the Company would have given their blood to you," Thorin said.

Bramble blinked repeatedly as she looked up at the blotchy ceiling. She would not cry. "That is kind."

"You are a part of the Company and we lo… care about you," Thorin said.

Óin bustled into the room. "Now, how is our Hobbit?"

"My right side is aching," Bramble said.

"We did cut you open there," Óin said, "And you, keep your eyes over there. Give the woman some privacy."

Thorin dramatically covered his eyes. "I see nothing."

"I doubt our good leader wants to see anything I have, Óin," Bramble said as she lifted her shirt for the doctor to look at her stitches.

"Got to give you a little privacy, lass," Óin said.

"Everyone okay?" Bramble asked.

"Everyone except Thorin has got a few scratches and bruises, but they're all fine," Óin said, "Now, enough about us. How are you feeling?"

"Sore, thirsty," Bramble said, "What's wrong with you, Thorin?"

"I'll have someone fetch you some ice chips in a minute," Óin said, "You look well enough. I'll be back in a minute. No hiding of symptoms or I will smack the back of your head. The same goes for you, Thorin."

Thorin waved the hand not covering his face in acknowledgment. Óin left the room muttering about "stubborn idiots".

"I'm decent," Bramble said.

Thorin put down his hand before giving a half-grin. "You went on a madcap road trip with a bunch of Dwarves to go steal from a dragon. I don't think decent is an adjective I would use for it. Brave and/or insane is more apt to describe you."

Bramble smiled at Thorin. She liked the half-smile he gave her. Bramble thought it looked good with the stubble he was growing in and…

The Hobbit stuffed those thoughts into a trunk and drowned it in the river. She did not need to have a crush on a king.

"Are you okay, Thorin?" Bramble asked.

The smile was gone almost instantly. "I… I've been better, burglar."

Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur rushed into the room, each carrying a cup. "We got you ice chips!" Bofur said.

"Mine has a little bit of cola in it," Bombur said in a conspiratorial tone.

Bramble saw Bifur make a motion to Thorin the Dwarf king replied to. The Hobbit was still learning the basics of the hand signals, but she was fairly certain Bifur asked Thorin if Bramble was alright.

"The lot of you are so sweet," Bramble said as she slowly sat up.

"Well, you're our sister now. Well, cousin for Bifur," Bombur said.

"What?" Bramble asked.

"Blood siblings!" Bofur said. He pointed to the bandage over where his blood had been drawn.

"Really?" Bramble said.

"Of course! We were going to keep you before we lost you in the mountains anyway!" Bombur said.

Bramble began to cry. Bifur patted her hair and gave her a handkerchief.

"What did we do wrong?" Bofur said.

"Siblings?" Bramble sobbed.

"Yes. We love ya professor," Bofur said.

"I'm an only child. I always… always wanted…." Bramble said.

The three Dwarves tried to give the best hug they could without causing further damage to Bramble's injury, which made Bramble laugh until her side hurt from chuckling. Bofur and Bifur fought over if they could braid Bramble's hair while Bombur fussed over what the Hobbit should be eating.

"Oh for the love of… the three of you are going to suffocate her," Thorin said, "She needs a bath before the braiding and we haven't even seen if she will keep the ice down."

The four of them to laughed. "You sound like me mum," Bofur said.

Thorin crossed his arms over his chest and said with false grumpiness, "Go eat your vegetables."

That created an even bigger laugh.

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Bramble was finally allowed to sleep. Óin and Thorin had to work together to get her new siblings and cousin out of the room. The medicine was still in effect from the surgery.

The Hobbit was not sure when she woke up. She only knew it was still dark out when she heard a soft female voice talking.

"Thorin, you stopped breathing," Dís said, "You cannot act like nothing happened."

"I'm fine, Dís," Thorin said.

Dís made a quiet growling noise. "Stop being a cliché, Thorin. Strong silent types die."

Bramble saw Thorin place his hand behind Dís' head and stroked her hair. "I promise you, I will be fine with time. Does that satisfy you?"

Dís sighed. "Not for long. We will talk about this."

"Not like I have much choice in the matter," Thorin muttered, "You should be sleeping too, you know."

"Our lodgings are queer, I mean odd. I keep forgetting some words change," Dís said, "Beorn has disappeared and told us not to leave the house until sunrise. I am just… uneasy."

"We will leave as soon as our burglar is better," Thorin said, "Where's my jacket?"

"I threw it out."

"Why would you do such a thing? It was a good jacket. I've had it for thirty years."

Bramble could hear Dís' voice shake. "There were so many rips and holes and blood and… other things. I couldn't… couldn't save it."

Thorin pulled his sister into a hug, wincing slightly. "It's alright. I'm safe. We're all safe, Dís."

"Sorry. I'm so sorry," Dís said, "Last time I had to… to do such…"

"It's alright. I know. I'm sorry I put you through such pain."

Dís smacked Thorin's right arm. "You're right to be sorry. You're an idiot, you know that? Going after an armed Orc with only an ax. No armor. No shield. You would think you were a Dwarfling with how stupid you were."

"Yes, yes. I'm a proper idiot."

"A proper idiot who gets lost all the time."

"I don't get lost _all the time._"

Dís laughed softly before she stood. "I need some sleep. I'm glad you're okay, even when you are annoying. Good night."

"Good night." Thorin was quiet until Dís closed the door behind her. "Awake, Baggins?"

"I didn't mean to overhear," Bramble said.

"I know," Thorin said, "You are usually much sneakier."

Bramble turned her head towards Thorin. "Can I tell you something?"

"Always."

"After the eagles found us, I was scared when Dís said you stopped breathing."

Thorin knelt next to her. "I suspected as much."

Bramble wanted to take his hand, but she was not sure if they were friends or just comrades. "And, I don't remember much after I passed out. I know you were scared for me."

Thorin was silent, but he did take her hand in his. Bramble said, "Let's not almost die again, if only for the sake of our siblings."

"Agreed." Thorin smiled slightly. "You're happy?"

"More than I have been in a long time. It's nice, belonging to someone because you chose each other," Bramble said.

Thorin squeezed her hand again before returning to his bed. "There is nothing better than that."

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A/N: Bramble will be healing faster than a human because… Hobbits and plot reasons. Also, I saw my sister from the time she walked into the ER from the time she walked out when she had her appendix removed do it in under 12 hours and tried to do her full dance act within a week. (There was a lot of yelling by everyone she was going to hurt herself.)

A story mostly unrelated to this chapter. Both my younger sister and I had the same moment of, "Words change meaning?" when we read the _Little House on the Prairie _books and at some point, Laura says she is "gay". We were confused as we knew she married Alanzo. Our Mother laughs about it to this day. Thus, why Dís confused the word "queer" because it has a different meaning than when Tolkien titled his chapter.


	3. Chapter III: Driftwood

Chapter III: Driftwood

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Óin was certain he was would end up punching one of his patients before the day was out. Thorin had already snuck out of the room by dawn and had tried to take a look around the perimeter of Beorn's grounds. The professor kept trying to make breakfast. He prayed his two idiotic patients would not team up to make a great escape.

A screech caused the entire Company to come running to the hallway next to Beorn's kitchen. Beorn had picked up Bramble.

"Put me down!" Bramble said.

Beorn gently placed Bramble on her feet. "I am just trying to stop you from hurting yourself, little bunny."

"I am not a bunny! Stop calling me that!" Bramble said.

Thorin came up behind her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Beorn, the Hobbit is not a rabbit and you will stop treating her as such."

"I meant no offense," Beorn said, "I apologize, professor. I am used to a different clientele who do not mind being picked up."

Bramble took several deep breaths. "I forgive you."

Beorn motioned for the Hobbit to return to her room. "I am sure your Dwarf doctor is going to want to make sure you have not been harmed by your stubbornness."

"I'm not stubborn," Bramble mumbled.

Thorin took her back to her room with Óin close behind. The king made the burglar sit up in her bed and fussed over her.

"He should not have done such," Thorin said, "If you were not injured, we would leave immediately."

"I'm fine. He was just overenthusiastic and he backed off when I asked him to," Bramble said.

Thorin rubbed his forehead. "You are to tell me if he bothers you again."

"I will. I'm fine. Well, I am going to claw my way out of this room, but I'm fine," Bramble said.

Thorin sat on his bed and gave a small smirk. "I'll help. I'll find a spoon so we can tunnel our way out."

Óin groaned. He should not have bet on Bramble and Dwalin.

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A few minutes after Óin had checked to make sure Bramble had not ripped her stitches in the excitement, Beorn came to visit her. "I am sorry, professor, but I am going to be gone for some time. I hoped when I returned I might show you the beehives."

"Oh, yes! I saw those enormous bees when you carried me in. Is that part of why you have such a lovely garden?" Bramble said.

"Partially, yes," Beorn said.

"Where are you going?" Thorin asked.

Beorn said, "To check on your story. Slaying the Great Goblin? Escaping an Orc pack because the Eagles saved you? It's a good story. However, it is a bit too good. I hope to return by tomorrow. Do not go off the property when it is dark out. My assistant will be by to take care of the animals. Tom is a good fellow."

"Does Gandalf know? I haven't seen him yet," Bramble said.

"I have no idea where the wizard went. I only know he said he would come back sometime before the professor had healed," Beorn said. He turned to Thorin. "Feel free to eat anything or rent any movies you like. The property is for you to roam. Make use of my beach as long as none of you get sunburned."

"You have a lake?" Bramble said.

Beorn laughed. "No, my dear Hobbit. I live just off the Atlantic."

"The ocean? We're by the ocean?" Bramble said in awe.

"Indeed we are. If you behave, I am sure the doctor will permit your visit," Beorn said.

Bramble laid still. "I am not going to move a muscle," she whispered.

Beorn laughed again. "Good Hobbit. Farewell, Oakenshield."

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Bramble was not allowed to leave the house that day. The Company sans Thorin did some exploring of Beorn's property with its great gardens, pens for some of the horses and ponies he cared for as a vet, the giant beehives (which were given a respectful distance), and the ocean. Bramble had slept most of the day, unaware of how exhausted she still was. Thorin poured over maps and looked up news when Dís and Óin did not fuss over him.

The Hobbit was given permission to watch a movie with the Company in the evening. After an hour long "discussion" a.k.a. fight, the Company agreed to watch _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. Who knew Dwarves found sci-fi (and sci-fi parodies) fascinating? The discussion of sci-fi parodies led to the group also watching _Galaxy Quest_. At one point, they had to stop the movie because of how hard Balin laughed. It took some time to get the movie began again because Balin snorted which caused Dwalin to cackle which meant the Company had two Dwarves who could barely breathe from laughter. Ori almost stabbed herself with her knitting needles from one scene and Dori fell out of her seat because of another.

It was, Bramble decided, a comforting night. The way all the Dwarves seemed to fall asleep while watching the movies before abruptly waking up again showed how exhausted everyone was. The only one who seemed fully aware was Thorin as she kept catching him observing her for some reason. He probably worried she would pass out again.

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Thorin would interfere with Bramble making breakfast. That morning she did look ready to claw her way out of their, no, her room. Óin had tried to fuss, but Glóin had reminded her brother of an incident when Glóin had been pregnant and Óin had ended up with a black eye.

"What's this white stuff?" Dori asked as she picked at her eggs.

"Tofu," Bramble said, "Beorn didn't have any meat. Sorry."

"Thank you, Baggins," Thorin said, which stopped any more complaints from the Dwarves about Beorn's meatless food.

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They decided to go as a group down to the beach before lunch. The dogs seemed to run the place led the way, barking and running happily.

Bramble smelled the beach before she actually heard or saw it. She never realized one could _smell _salt. The Hobbit licked her lips, trying to see if the breeze tasted of salt water.

The professor wondered if her perception of colors was ever going to be the same after this trip. If Mount Mitchell had been the greenest green she had ever seen, the ocean was the bluest blue and so clear. The sand was softer than at Lake Michigan or the other smaller lakes she had visited.

Best of all, the air was not overbearing. It was hot out, but not stifling. The breeze from the ocean was a reassuring friend, keeping her calm. She grinned as she saw seashells lying sporadically on the beach.

"Don't get your stitches wet," Óin grumbled at Thorin and Bramble, "Go on a walk, drink piña coladas or whatever you kids do, but you will be crying worse than babies if you get salt water on your wounds."

Bramble walked over to where the waves had just retreated. She crouched down and reached out her hand. The water was warmer than she expected, but still cool as it slid over her hands and feet. As the waves went back again, Bramble lifted her hand and licked her fingertips and giggled.

"What's so funny?" Thorin asked as he crouched down next to her.

"It's salty." Bramble said before sticking her hand back in the water.

"Oceans are known to be such," Thorin said, "Do you like it?"

Bramble nodded. "I can breathe here. I haven't felt that way since we left the mountains."

Thorin made a noise of agreement. Bramble picked up some of the wet sand and let it drip out from her hand.

"You could make a drip castle with that," Kíli said as he crouched down next to Bramble.

"A what castle?" Bramble said.

"A drip castle," Fíli said as she hovered between Bramble and Kíli's shoulders. "You take the wet sand just like you are now and you make towers out of it. We didn't think to bring buckets or we could have made a proper sandcastle."

"And you won't be getting your stitches wet," Kíli added.

"What do you think, idad?" Fíli asked.

Thorin nodded his head while still watching the horizon.

The drip castle was both a brilliant and an awful idea. All of the Dwarves were eager to build something after having been on the road for so long, but drip castles were not stable. Eventually, some of the Company found driftwood or went back to Beorn's for buckets so they could start building "real sandcastles" as Dori told Bramble. Thorin let the company play. He walked up and down the beach, stopping at a rock wall which connected to Beorn's wooden fence on either side of the skin-changer's property.

"My brother is brooding again," Dís said to Bramble.

"I am delaying the Company. I am sure he has not expected all of these stops," Bramble said.

"No, that is not the problem. We have no vehicles or supplies, so we would have had to throw ourselves to the mercy of Beorn even without your injury. No, he is worried about something else," Dís said.

"Or _someone _else," Nori muttered before being smacked with an empty bucket by Dís.

The Hobbit was confused by Nori's comment, but ignored it. Bramble was much more interested in enjoying the ocean instead of figuring out a Dwarvish riddle. Besides, her guard towers needed reinforcements.

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The group returned to Beorn's house for lunch just before a thunderstorm rolled in which lasted for the rest of the afternoon. Bramble assisted Bombur in making baklava and cookies. Thorin sat near them as he dealt with e-mails. Dís was next to her brother making sure he did not cause an incident. Óin did laundry since the Company only had the clothes on their back and the clothes Tom (Beorn's assistant with the bright yellow boots) had brought. Fíli, Kíli, Ori, and Dwalin played darts while the rest of the Company watched _Pacific Rim_. Even the dogs and the mice watched the movie as well. (This actually made Bramble a little upset because who didn't love giant monsters fighting giant robots? She certainly did and she wanted to see the movie again.)

"Thorin, you can't say such," Dís said.

"Why not?" Thorin said.

"Because Dain may be our cousin, but he will not take kindly to being called an idiot," Dís said.

"He is an idiot," Thorin said.

"No, he's not. He just doesn't want to do as you say," Dís said.

"Thus, an idiot," Thorin said.

Gandalf nicked a cooling cookie. "You will find the world full of idiots if you believe such, Thorin Oakenshield."

"GANDALF!" the three Dwarves and one Hobbit shouted.

"Where have you been?" Bramble said as she hugged the wizard.

"After I knew you were safe, I went to look ahead," Gandalf said as he gave a half hug in return so he did not smash his cookie.

"There seems to be a pattern forming with you," Thorin said.

"Not all of us can as shortsighted as you," Gandalf snapped. He sighed. "I haven't eaten in some time. Pardon me. I do not come with good news. There are Orcs and wargs everywhere. They are staying away from major cities, but country roads are completely overrun."

"And here we had been avoiding the main roads," Thorin said, "Not that it will matter since we have no vehicles."

"I do believe you will find the last statement to be false by tomorrow," Gandalf said, "Beorn helped me recover my car and he is looking for your Company's other vehicles."

"Unless the Impala grew wings before crashing, I think we will have too tight of a squeeze for Dori's van," Dís said.

"I have seen stranger things," Gandalf said, "Oh. Is that baklava?"

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A/N: I still don't understand why people don't like _Pacific Rim_. It was amazing. (Admittedly, it's in my wheelhouse because: giant monsters, giant robots, Idris Elba, Guillermo del Toro, and decent writing that didn't make me feel bad about being a woman.)

Translations of Khuzdul - Thanks to khuzdul4u.

Idad - Uncle.


	4. Chapter IV: Not Even a Scratch

Chapter IV: Not Even a Scratch

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Beorn came in at breakfast the next day deeply amused. "Your story is true, Thorin Oakenshield." Beorn kissed Dís' hand. "Thank you, my lady, for slaying such a wretched beast."

"You are more than welcome," Dís said.

"Tell me, why is Azog the Defiler hunting you?" Beorn said, his mood darkening immediatly.

"You know of Azog? How?" Thorin said.

"My people were the first to live in the mountains, before the Orcs came down from the north. The Defiler killed most of my family, but some he enslaved," Beorn said, "Not for work, you understand, but for sport. Caging skin-changers and torturing them seemed to amuse him."

"There are others like you?" Fíli asked.

"Once, there were many," Beorn said.

"And now?" Kíli said. Bramble kicked the Dwarf under the table.

"Now, there is only one," Beorn said.

The room went quiet. "I am sorry for your loss," Bramble said.

"Thank you for your condolences, little Hobbit," Beorn said. He looked over at Gandalf. "You need to reach the mountain before the last days of autumn?"

"Before Durin's Day ends, yes," Gandalf said.

"You are running out of time," Beorn said.

"Which is why we must go straight west and through Mirkwood," Gandalf said.

"A darkness lies upon the forest. Fell things creep beneath those trees. The Necromancer in Dol Guldur has some sway there, more even than in Florida at some places. I would not venture there except in great need," Beorn said.

"We will take the Elven Highway. It is still safe," Gandalf said.

Beorn snorted with disdain. "Safe? The Wood-Elves of Mirkwood are not like their kin. They're less wise and more dangerous. But it doesn't matter."

"What do you mean?" Thorin asked.

"These lands are crawling with Orcs. Their numbers are growing, and you are without vehicles. You will never reach the forest alive," Beorn said. The skin-changer moved closer to Thorin. "I don't like Dwarves. They're greedy and blind, blind to the lives of those they deem lesser than their own." Beorn carefully picked up a mouse which had been scampering around on the table. "But Orcs I hate more. What do you need?"

There was a sigh of relief from the Company.

"Vehicles, supplies, weapons if you have any, and advice," Thorin said.

"I have no weapons of my own, but the rest I can provide," Beorn said, "In fact, if you will follow me…"

Beorn led the company outside. Safe from harm was Dori's yellow Volkswagen bus and Bramble's bicycle. Dori looked ready to cry.

"I also found a crashed Impala," Beorn said, "It is wrecked, but I was able to retrieve some of the supplies and weapons."

At the word "weapons" the Dwarves ran to the van and began checking on what had been found. Bramble stayed back and smiled broadly when Bifur passed her backpack to her and Nori tossed the Hobbit her I-pod.

Dís patted her brother's shoulder. "Sorry about Minty."

"Just a car," Thorin grumbled, "A beautiful car, but just a car."

"You get five minutes of brooding," Dís said.

"Thank you," Thorin said sincerely.

Thorin stalked off. Beorn chuckled. "I also will allow you to borrow the Napmobile, though I expect it to be returned."

-"The Napmobile?" Balin asked.

"It's a van I use when I am going long distances. Comfortable seating. I take naps in it sometimes when I need a break," Beorn said.

"Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, NAPMAN!" Nori sang out.

Beorn chuckled. "A Dwarf with a sense of humor. I never thought I would see the day."

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Bramble had been going over the checklist of supplies when Gandalf stood by her and placed his hand on her shoulder. "My dear, there is something we must discuss."

"What's wrong, Gandalf?" Bramble asked.

The wizard led the Hobbit over to the fire pit behind the house. Though it was far too hot for it, someone had started a fire. Beorn, Thorin, Balin, and Dwalin all waited for her. Bramble stood as far away from the fire as she could while still being close to where the group had gathered.

"Seriously, what did I do wrong?" Bramble said.

"It is about the ring you found," Gandalf said.

"Oh. I forgot about it," Bramble said. She pulled out the silver ring with the seven sapphires and held it in her hands.

"Yes, we want to test it and we will need your help," Gandalf said.

"How?" Bramble said.

"Drop it into the fire," Dwalin said.

"Why? Won't it melt?" Bramble said.

The Dwarves laughed until they bent over, gasping for air.

"No," Dwalin wheezed, "Needs to be… HA… much hotter."

Bramble crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed them to soothe her embarrassment. "I didn't laugh when all of you didn't know Elves ate things besides fruits and vegetables. Please stop. There are no metal works in the Shire. I didn't know."

Balin patted Bramble's shoulder. "There, there, professor. Terribly sorry about this. It is something we learn when we are quite young." Dwalin slapped Thorin's back as it appeared the Dwarf king was near choking. "And we also learn MANNERS!"

Thorin and Dwalin stood up and said with as straight of faces as they could, "We're sorry."

"I just toss it? It won't get hurt?" Bramble said. She held the ring up against her heart.

Gandalf raised one wild eyebrow. "Bramble?"

"I mean, you say it won't melt, but what if it does," Bramble said, "And what are you going to do afterwards? Are you going to destroy it? It hasn't done anyone any harm. Well, it might of, but…"

"Belladonna Bramble Baggins, throw the ring into the fire right now before I toss you into the ocean to be eaten by narwhals," Gandalf said.

Bramble stiffened and nodded. She reluctantly dropped the ring into the fire. The Hobbit raised an eyebrow as she realized Gandalf's words. "Narwhals?"

"It was the first thing which came to mind," Gandalf said.

"Well, no sparks. That's good," Balin said.

"So… what were we expecting?" Bramble asked.

"Explosions. Dark beasts arising from the fire to devour our souls," Dwalin said.

"Narwhals," Thorin added which caused Bramble to laugh.

Balin picked up metal tongs and pulled the ring out of the fire, dropping it onto a brick. "Now, don't touch it, but wave your hand around a bit around it professor. See if it's hot."

Bramble waved her hand over the ring, not feeling anything. She barely touched it with the palm of her hand before yelping back in pain. "HOT! HOT! HOT!" She sucked at her burn.

Thorin grabbed the water hose, turned on the tap, and ran the water over Bramble's hand. "Better?"

"Much," Bramble said quietly.

"Stand back," Thorin said. He poured water over the ring, causing steam to rise from the hot metal.

"Well, water doesn't seem to have killed us," Dwalin said.

"Are all magic rings going to kill you at some point in a dramatic way?" Bramble asked.

"Yes to the death, not necessarily on the dramatic," Balin said.

"Oh, I feel great about that," Bramble said dryly.

"Hammer and goggles. Stand behind the fire," Dwalin said.

Beorn handed Dwalin the tools before dashing behind the fire with the rest of the small group. It took one strike against the ring for the hammer to break off the handle.

"Not even a scratch!" Dwalin shouted.

"Sturdy thing," Gandalf mumbled.

"It broke a hammer!" Bramble shouted.

Thorin picked up the hammer head. "Actually, it not only broke it, but it made a dent." There was a circular indentation where the hammer had struck the ring.

"By all the hair on the feet of Hobbits!" Bramble said.

The Dwarves all tilted their heads and looked at Bramble's feet.

"It's an expression!" Bramble said. Her toes curled as she wanted to make her feet disappear.

"Magic ring or exaggerated legends, gentlemen?" Gandalf said.

"_Exaggerated_? So there is a bit of truth?" Dwalin said.

"Hobbit feet are not discussed about in public. You do not touch a Hobbit's feet unless they are wounded or… with permission," Bramble said. She tilted her head down and let her curly hair cover her face. "May we please change the subject?"

"Come on," Thorin said, "We have something dangerous among us and we are making our burglar uncomfortable."

Bramble sighed in relief as the group turned their attention to the ring still lying on the brick. Gandalf said, "What happened when you put on the ring?"

"Well, I obviously haven't seen myself with it on, but Sméagol (the man who gave it to me) became _almost _invisible. It was like wherever he stood became a little blurry. When I put on the ring, it's like… I've stepped into a Monet painting. Everything is still there, but it's roughly hewn. My other senses seem to be fine," Bramble said.

"Not one of the Seven. They do not cause invisibility," Thorin said.

"The Nine were destroyed when the Ring of Power was destroyed," Beorn said.

"And the Three are accounted for," Gandalf said, "Congratulations, Bramble, you have a minor ring of power which will not bring about the downfall of the Free People of Middle-Earth. Your death, maybe, but not massive destruction."

"I feel so fantastic about that," Bramble said as she rolled her eyes.

"Professor," Thorin said, "You had glasses with a magnifier. Do you have it with you?"

Bramble pulled out the item from her skirt pocket. "Surprisingly enough, it did not get smashed in the tunnels. I am now fond of its case since it survived my fall."

Thorin slipped the glasses on. Bramble held back a "YOU'RE SO ADORABLE WITH GLASSES I MAY DIE" squeal. She wondered where the thought had come from.

"Baggins, will you hold it? I need better light," Thorin said.

"Yes, of course," Bramble said.

The Hobbit picked up the ring and cradled it in her hands. Thorin placed his hands under Bramble's and tilted her hands side to side as he examined the ring. Sometimes his nose almost touched her palm.

"This is a tricky one. The coloring might suggest the Line of Durin, but the style belongs more to the Elves," Thorin said, "There are neither markings of who the craftsman was nor who it belonged to." He released Bramble's hands and looked up. "You said a creature gave this to you?"

"A man. I do not know of which of the Free People he once belonged to. He had become… withered. Sickly," Bramble said. She closed her hands around the ring. "He said a friend gave it to him as a birthday present, but I don't know how much of the truth he told. He was not of sound mind."

Thorin stood up and said to Beorn, "Is there a forge nearby?"

"None you can use. There are not any Dwarves in these parts," Beorn said.

The King Under the Mountain crossed his arms and looked at the fire as he thought. "We will destroy it when we reach Esgaroth. There should be a forge there. For now, find a chain or something of the sort and keep it with you at all times." Thorin turned to Bramble. "You will not use it except in the most dire of need. Do you understand, Hobbit?"

"I understand. I don't like using it and I would prefer not to die," Bramble said.

Thorin tilted his head and looked at the side of Beorn's house. "All of you stop eavesdropping!"

There was a chorus of grumbles from the rest of the Company.

Thorin groaned and rubbed his forehead. "Honestly. How did I end up with the nosiest group of Dwarves in the history of my people?"

Beorn laughed. "Come, Hobbit. I promised you a tour of my beehives."

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"Your bees live in palaces," Bramble said.

"My bees certainly think so. I take care of swarms in the area as well so I have extras ready for use in the shed," Beorn said.

"Um, Beorn, this may not be your expertise but, what of the Eagles? I saw giant birds save us, but also a motorcycle gang. Do they work together?" Bramble said.

"They are the same group," Beorn said.

"Wait as in… the bikers and the giant birds of prey are the same people?" Bramble said.

"Indeed. They are a type of skin-changer, though not my kin. They would have died long ago if they could not hide amongst Mortal Men and other races," Beorn said.

Bramble almost stepped on an acorn. She picked it up and smiled to herself. "This is a hardy breed and can grow in deserts if I remember my seed identification correctly."

"You can keep it if you want," Beorn said.

"Oh, really? Thank you!" Bramble said, her smile turning into a grin.

"You look like you had just found a piece of gold," Beorn said.

She slipped it into her pocket. "Oak trees are strong. You know, Thorin got his name from using an oaken branch to defend himself in a battle."

"And so you would plant it for him?" Beorn said.

She glanced back at the Company by the vans, her smile disappearing as she talked. "No, not for him. Not really. I always liked acorns and oaks. Good for climbing. I had acorns decorating my vest buttons before I lost all but one. Another tree in my garden would be good. Besides, I don't think Dwarves would notice a tree for what it was unless it was for protection or firewood."

Thorin glanced at her for a moment, smiled slightly, and returned to his conversation. Bramble fiddled with the acorn in her pocket. "I want to be strong enough to protect them. This will be a reminder of such until I get home."

Beorn put his hand on Bramble's shoulder. "I think you're stronger than you think, stronger than any Oakenshield could ever be."

"You're a dear, Beorn. I'm not anything like them. I'm not a warrior. Just a scholar."

"I hear differently."

Bella shrugged. "Can we talk about something else? Like your bees! How much honey do they produce each year?"

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Thorin ran into Bramble as she was about to go to bed. "Uh, sorry," Bramble said as she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "Aren't you going to sleep? We have to leave early tomorrow."

"I need to go over a few things. Sleep, burglar," Thorin said. He nodded his head before trying to leave. Bramble caught his arm.

"Just one question," Bramble said. She let go when he turned to her. They leaned against opposite sides of the doorway.

"And what is it?" Thorin said.

"How did you know my ring was not one of the Seven? I know dragons destroyed four, but the other three are unaccounted for. The tales don't have any descriptions of the rings. Is it part of Dwarves and being secretive?" Bramble said.

"Partially," Thorin said, "The Seven Rings did not turn the Dwarf Lords to Sauron's side, but they did have certain powers which have faded over time. Sauron took two of these rings before his fall."

"And the third?" Bramble said.

"I cannot say," Thorin said.

Bramble raised an eyebrow. "You don't have it, do you?"

Thorin laughed. "No. Certainly not."

"But you know about it."

"I might. All I can tell you, burglar, is none here have it and you will not find it in Erebor."

The Hobbit nodded and pushed another wayward lock behind her ear. "Okay. Well, good night. Sleep well."

Thorin moved so Bramble could get into the room. "Good night, burglar."

Bramble smiled slightly as she closed the door which caused Thorin to grin. He stayed at the doorway for a moment, pleased, though he knew the Hobbit was merely curious. Thorin liked seeing her smile. If he could be the cause of more happiness for her, Thorin thought he could be content with his lot.

"Well, don't you look love sick," Dwalin said.

Thorin slowly turned his head towards Dwalin. "I honestly don't know what you are prattling on about."

The captain of Thorin's guard gave an insufferable grin. "You like the professor."

"Like?" Thorin said with false innocence.

Dwalin wriggled his eyebrows. "You _like _the professor."

"Shut up. Even if I did, I would not speak of it here," Thorin said as he passed Dwalin, "Does Beorn have any beer left?"

"A bit of honey mead in the fridge," Dwalin said as he followed Thorin.

They crept pass where the Company save for Dís, Bombur, and Glóin slept. Thorin grabbed two bottles of mead from the fridge before heading outside to Beorn's backyard. They each took a seat in a wooden chair on the back porch.

"So…" Dwalin said as he took the first sip of the evening. They drank sporadically over the rest of the conversation until their bottles were empty.

"There is nothing happening," Thorin said.

Dwalin just nodded and gave a condescending smile.

"There truly is not," Thorin said.

"Sure."

"Nothing has happened."

"Of course."

"… on her side."

Dwalin smacked Thorin's back. "I knew it."

"Shut up."

The guard shook his head. "Oh, that's not going to happen. The great Thorin Oakenshield is in love. I have waited to tease you about this for almost two centuries."

"Infatuated. It's not love."

"Whatever you say."

"It wouldn't matter even if I was," Thorin said quietly.

"Now why are you saying that?"

Thorin shrugged.

"Oh, come on. Don't hold out on me now. I'll think of some horrible reasons like… she didn't like the Impala or something."

"Well, Dwalin, oh observant one, the first thing is she feels nothing towards me."

Dwalin thought for a moment. "I am mostly going to agree with you there. I haven't seen her going, 'Oh, Thorin, you're so wonderful' and whatever else women do."

"Why am I talking to you? You're just going to keep mocking me."

"Because I'm your best friend."

"Why did I ever decide to do that?" Thorin took a gulp of his drink.

Dwalin laughed. "Come on. Finish what you started."

After another sip of liquid courage, Thorin said, "First, she doesn't like me. I'm not an idiot. I know she would have protected any of the Company. I already knew such when she fought for Dís to get her medical care in Rivendell."

"Agreed."

"Second, she's devoted to her craft. No one has tempted her from her studies. I could never ask someone to give up their craft for me, Dwalin."

"You would be a right and proper cur if you did."

Thorin drank some more. "Third, she has a home. As grand as Erebor will be when it is rebuilt, it will not be the Shire or even her little Hobbit hole. I know what it is like to be separated from the place you belong."

Dwalin said nothing, but continued to drink.

"Fourth, I don't know if we will make it out of this without awakening the dragon. She knows it too. I don't want her to rush any decisions purely because we are in a life or death situation."

Dwalin shrugged. "Your premise is weak. _You_ like her."

"I never said it was wise."

"Oh, so you wouldn't choose her under other circumstances. Is that what has you such a mess?"

"I would always choose Bramble! Who wouldn't choose her?"

Dwalin grinned again.

"You need to drink more. You're acting smarter than me," Thorin grumbled.

They drank in silence for some time. The sound of mosquitoes buzzing and frogs croaking to each other dusted the air. The moon was barely visible as clouds kept blocking the light.

"There has to be something else you're not telling me," Dwalin said.

Thorin laughed without humor. "It's obvious, isn't it?"

"No," Dwalin said.

Thorin motioned to himself. "Fifth, I am an absolute mess. My ancestors are a mess. My kingdom is a mess. Everything is a complete and utter mess. Why would anyone willingly choose this?"

Dwalin smacked Thorin across the back of his head. "That's a stupid reason."

"No it's not," Thorin mumbled as he rubbed the back of his head.

"I am not going to go all mushy on you and say you're a proper catch, because you're not. You're a numbskull with the world's most delicate ego and have no patience for fools. You've got family problems, well so does everyone. Well, maybe not a mountain with a dragon, but you know what I'm saying."

"You're saying that because you're my friend."

"Actually, I'm saying that as Bramble's friend. As your friend, I'm telling you that you can't be distracted until this quest is complete. Bramble will get hurt if you aren't doing your best and you won't be your best if you are acting like a puppy around her."

"I do not act like a puppy."

"A deranged cat around catnip?"

"… I will accept that."

They drank at the same moment.

"I'm doomed, aren't I?" Thorin said.

"Yep. Want to see who can get to the bottom of their bottle first?"

"I thought you would never ask."

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A/N: Major Plot Change #3: The Eagles being skin-changers.

I generally control myself when I see an attractive celebrity. I thought I had reached the stage with Richard Armitage I had reached with Orlando Bloom, Lee Pace, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hiddleston, Ben Barnes, Zachary Levi, et cetra where I could go, "What an attractive and talented actor. I feel a little bit better seeing him perform or seeing a pic, true, but that does not mean I am a crazed fan girl." Then the man wore glasses in _The Vicar of Dibley_ and I just kind of squealed for a solid hour, covering my face, and trying not to keep saying "YOU ARE SO CUTE HOW DO YOU EXIST!" Ugh. I disgust myself sometimes. *glances back at list of crushes over the years* Yep. Definitely have a type.


	5. Chapter V: Westward, Ho!

Chapter V: Westward, Ho!

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Beorn led the Company to the Alabama border, pulling off at an abandoned gas station. Everyone got out of the cars to say goodbye.

"Go now, while you have the light. Your hunters are not far behind," Beorn said, "I will distract them if necessary.

Bramble hugged the skin-changer. "Goodbye, Beorn."

"Good luck, Hobbit," Beorn said, "Do not use the ring unless you must and destroy it when you can."

"I will," Bramble said.

After Beorn had left them, Gandalf motioned to the road. "Here lies our path through Mirkwood."

Bramble shivered. She was not overly fond of Florida, but being away from the sea air made everything worse. "This forest feels... sick, as if a disease lies upon it."

"It is not like the forests you are used to back home. Yes, you are right. It is sick. It was not always so and not everything is evil in these parts," Gandalf said.

"Are you going to be in the lead again?" Thorin asked.

"No, I have other business to attend to," Gandalf said.

"You're not leaving us?" Bramble said.

"I would not do this unless I had to," Gandalf said. He spoke to the Hobbit quietly. "You've changed, Bramble Baggins. You're not the same Hobbit as the one who left the Shire."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing, Gandalf?" Bramble said.

"It depends on what you do with those changes," Gandalf said. He spoke to Thorin. "I'll be waiting for you at the overlook, before the slopes of Erebor. Keep the map and key safe. Do not enter the mountain without me."

Gandalf opened his car door. "This is not the Greenwood of old. The very air of the forest is heavy with illusion. It will seek to enter your mind and lead you astray."

"Lead us astray? What does that mean?" Bramble mumbled.

Gandalf got into the car and rolled down the window. "You must stay on the Elven Road; do not leave it. If you do, you will never find it again. No matter what may come, stay on the road!" The wizard sped off back to Florida.

"Come on," Thorin said as he got back into the driver's seat of Beorn's van, "We need to reach the mountain before the sun sets on Durin's Day."

Dwalin began escorting the Company back to the cars. "Durin's Day. Let's go!"

Dori, Nori, Ori, Dwalin, Óin, Glóin, and Bombur. went into the Volkswagen. Thorin, Balin, Dís, Bramble, Bifur, Bofur, Fíli, and Kíli took Beorn's van. It began to drizzle.

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Less than an hour later, Thorin almost drove the van off the road for no obvious reason. "What's wrong with you?" Balin shouted.

Thorin winced. "Nothing. Can you be quieter?"

"Are you hung-over?" Balin growled.

"It wouldn't matter if I was. I can still drive," Thorin said.

"You could get us all killed," Balin said.

"I'm fine," Thorin said.

"You won't mind if we put on some rock music?" Kíli said.

"Absolutely not!" Thorin said, wincing at the sound of his own voice.

"Pull over. Switch out with Bofur," Balin said.

"I. Can. Drive," Thorin said.

"You can give up driving for an hour so you can sleep it off," Balin said.

"I am perfectly capable of telling if I can drive or not!" Thorin said.

Dís said with an eerie sense of calm, "Thorin, son of Urd, you will pull over this car right now."

Thorin did so immediately. Fíli and Kíli said, "Oooooooh. Uncle Thorin is in trouble."

"Shut up you two. Bofur, switch," Thorin snapped as he got out of the car.

Dori's van stopped behind them. "What's the matter?" Dori asked after she had stuck her head out the window.

Kíli swung the van door open. "Uncle Thorin is getting a time out!"

Thorin shoved his nephew back into the van. He sat in the middle seat of the first row, not noticing he had shoved Bramble to the side.

"You could have just asked," Bramble mumbled.

"Sorry," Thorin said.

Bofur locked the car doors. "Everyone buckled up? Okay, let's go. Thorin, get some sleep."

"I don't want to," Thorin said.

"Just close your eyes for an hour. We'll be nice and quiet for you," Dís said.

Quiet sounded pleasant. Thorin put his feet between Bofur and Balin's seats and stretched out.

"Do you want the window side?" Bramble asked.

"Not sleeping. Just resting," Thorin said.

He focused on breathing as he tried to calm himself. Thorin felt a blanket put over him. He opened one eye and saw Bramble shrug. "You don't have your leather jacket."

Thorin accepted her answer. He already felt warmer, and he wondered if it dealt with Hobbit magic or if it was something else. Thorin ignored the last possibility. Bramble was just being kind. He had seen her do the same for Fíli the other day. Thorin thought about how he needed to get a kick to the head so he could stop obsessing over nothing.

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Bramble needed to stop obsessing over nothing. Thorin sat by her. So what? It was just the next nearest seat. Admittedly, he could have sat at the end, but the middle seat had more leg room. How long did his legs go?

The Hobbit smacked her head against the window. Her thoughts became wilder than usual. Her… whatever she viewed Thorin as was becoming obsessive. She needed to…

Thorin rested his head against Bramble's shoulder. She stiffened and looked over at him as best as she could without moving. By the lack of tension in his shoulders, she guessed he was truly asleep.

Bramble felt warmth flow through her. She had not had anyone fall asleep against her since some of her cousins took her on a trip to Fort Wayne. They definitely did not smell as good as Thorin.

No, she did not sniff him. His head was situated at just the right angle for Bramble to inhale the scent of his hair every time she took a breath. Nope. Nothing creepy.

Bramble wondered if anyone else had noticed. Bofur focused on driving. Balin seemed to not be paying attention. Everyone else she would have to turn to look at, but her movement would have woken Thorin.

The burglar did not think she had ever seen Thorin sleep except sitting up. He never seemed to be at rest. There were moments the Dwarf king seemed more at ease: when he teased Kíli, taught Fíli during their sparring, asked Ori a question about her record keeping, and spoke quietly with Dís.

The Hobbit was not sure how long Thorin would willingly subject himself to unconsciousness, so she remained as still as possible. If she rested her head against his, Bramble would just claim her neck hurt and it was easier this way. She certainly did not mind when Thorin's hand, which had been resting in his lap, slipped off onto her knee.

Bramble realized in that moment she had failed at not having a crush on Thorin Oakenshield.

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Thorin woke with a start, sat up, and looked around. "Everyone here?" he said.

"Everything is fine, Thorin," Bofur said.

Thorin looked over at Bramble who sat quietly before he looked at the back of Bofur' seat. "How long have I been asleep, burglar?"

"About two hours," Bramble said.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to drift off," Thorin said, "Can I drive again?"

"We'll be stopping for fuel soon. We'll switch then," Dís said.

Thorin realized he had his hand on Bramble's knee. He quickly removed it. "Sorry. Don't know when that happened."

"It's fine. I didn't notice. I was asleep too," Bramble said.

Thorin could have sworn he heard Kíli snort before being smacked by Fíli, but Thorin did not bother turning around.

"Can we have some music, Bofur?" Fíli said.

"Please," Kíli begged.

"You still hung-over?" Dís said.

"I'm not," Thorin said.

"Pass it up kids," Bofur said.

Kíli tossed his I-Pod across the seats which Balin easily caught it. "What track, lad?"

"Playlist, Balin, not track," Kíli said, "Rock That Violin, please."

After a few moments of messing with the device, Balin started playing the music which was a mix of violin and electronic rock. Fíli and Kíli began chatting about how they could play off the music and different ways they could approach it.

"Can I ask a question?" Bramble said.

"Maybe," Thorin said. He rubbed his forehead.

"What did Dís call you that made you pull over immediately?" Bramble said.

"Ah," Thorin said, "Urd is my Mother's name. Mothers are highly valued because women and births are rarer than in other Free Folk. If you use a person's mother's name, it means you have either done something very good or something very bad. Calling them by their Father's name is just a way to differentiate."

"Ah. Kind of like full names with Hobbits. If someone knows it, they're close to you and/or have power over you," Bramble said.

"Similar, yes. Is that why you listen every time Gandalf calls you Belladonna?" Thorin said. He leaned back and put an arm across the headrest not behind Bramble.

"No," Bramble said. She knocked her knees against his. Thorin realized he took up part of her side and gave the Hobbit more room. "It's my mother's first name, so no one called me Belladonna when I was growing up, and I hate the plant. Who wants to be known as Deadly Nightshade?"

"Where did the name 'Bramble' come from?" Bofur said.

"There is a story behind my name. Do you want to hear it?" Bramble said as she turned back to Bofur.

Bifur signed an enthusiastic "yes" while the rest of the back seats agreed with him. Thorin crossed his arms and watched Bramble as she told the story. She twisted back and forth so she could talk with both ends of the van.

"You see, Hobbits love food. That never changes. What does change is when they're pregnant, Hobbits get these awful cravings. If Hobbits don't get the food, there is a chance the baby and the mother may die.

"My Mother had a terrible pregnancy. They could not for the life of them figure out what she craved. They tried everything in just about every combination. Nothing worked and she became sicker and sicker.

"It was September 19th when my Father decided to call Gandalf. The wizard came as quick as he could, driving out all the way from Mexico City arriving in Hobbiton at four in the morning on September 21st. Gandalf talked with my Mother about how they could not figure out what she wanted. It was quite unusual. He went out of Bag-End to think in the garden when he notices some brambles my Father had planted in spring so in two years, when I was old enough, I could pick my own blackberries.

"'That's it! That is what the Hobbit needs!' Gandalf said. Everyone at Bag-End (both sides were there to help) were confused as they had already tried blackberries, blackberry tarts, blackberry pies, blackberry jam, blackberry jelly, blackberry preserves, and so much more.

"'No, no, no! That is not what Belladonna and the baby need. This is the only plant Bungo planted and he thought of his child the whole time. It is a special plant. We will just have to pick some blackberries and they will both be just fine.'

"Of course, the Hobbits all thought he was mad. Blackberries are ripe in July, brambles take two years to mature, and, of course, they had already tried blackberries! What an utter crackpot!

"But my Father said, 'Now, my dear Hobbits, I am sure Mr. Gandalf knows what he is doing. He has never done harm to the Shire and has always been a friend to my wife and her family. He wants to help us. Any who disagree can leave now before first breakfast is served.'

"Well, never doubt a Hobbit's love of food. Everyone shut up about Gandalf's scheme. Gandalf told my Father he and Mother should go sit out in the garden and take care of the brambles as best as possible while thinking about their child waiting to be born. My Father was always weak (planting the brambles made him lie in bed for two days) and my Mother was, of course, ill. So, they sat in the garden after first breakfast and worked until second breakfast. There wasn't much to do, but they did as Gandalf told them.

"The next morning on September 22nd, Gandalf woke up my Father and told him the blackberries were ready to be picked. Going as fast as his cane could go, my Father rushed outside in his nightclothes and his patchwork house coat. There the bushes were full of ripe blackberries. So, he stuffed as many blackberries as he could into his house coat and rushed back to my Mother's bedside.

"He partially smashed the berries during transit, but no one cared. My Mother ate one and thought they were the best tasting things in the world. She ate them all and felt the best she had since her cravings began.

"Of course, she immediately went into labor a full month early! My Father smacked Gandalf with his cane and shouted at the wizard for killing his wife and child. It's one of the few times I have ever heard of my Father being angry at another person.

"At precisely 11:11 AM, I was born. They didn't even have time to get us to the hospital. I was born right there in Bag-End, perfectly healthy. My Mother even made it through with almost no problems beyond the normal ones.

"That put everyone into quite state. How did Gandalf do it? Where did the wizard run off to? Why were the blackberry brambles without fruit when it was overflowing just a few hours early?"

"Well, how did he do it?" Fíli and Kíli shouted at the same time.

Bramble laughed. "To quote the man himself, 'I did nothing in the matter.' Gandalf told me this when I was in my tweens (though he had told my parents much earlier), 'Hobbits may not have much magic, but they certainly can grow things. Something went wrong in Belladonna which her cravings were a sign of. Not through any fault of her own, of course. These things happen. Now, during that time, Bungo planted those brambles with every thought and action being full of love for his future child. As you know, Bramble, it takes two to make a child, and your Mother had to help with the brambles as well for the magic to work. And then, ta da! Your Mother healed and was able to have you safely, if a bit early.'

"Because of those brambles my Father planted, I am here today. So, I am Belladonna Bramble Baggins."

"Can you do that? Make plants bloom and all that?" Bofur said.

"Not really. Gandalf and I have talked about it since. Magic is getting rarer and Hobbits have never particularly cared for it. It's too messy. We do have the best agriculture on the continent. We've both noticed a Hobbit's moods affect plants. After the Fell Winter… things did not go back to the way they were before for a long time." Bramble rubbed her arms.

"That winter was not a natural thing," Balin said.

"Thirty years ago, wasn't it?" Kíli said, "Nasty. I remember when we ran out of coal and wood by March."

Thorin could feel the biting winds and the slashing snow. It was the worst year for the Blue Mountains besides when they were refugees from Erebor. Many died from either the cold or the lack of food. Orcs from the North killed the rest who died in the Fell Winter.

"Yes. It was… nasty," Bramble said. She plastered a smile on her face. "But, all that to say, I like blackberries. Oh, look, a fuel station!"

Thorin said nothing as they got out of the car. If the burglar did not wish to speak of it, he would not press her. She never pressed to learn more about the Desolation of Smaug beyond knowing where the dragon came in and where he might be hiding now.

If Thorin made sure Bramble always had a blanket or a coat after that well… he had to look out for his burglar.

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A/N: The chapter title is a reference to _Twelfth Night_. The music on Kíli's playlist is mainly Lindsey Stirling because she rocks and she is also great to listen to when writing.

The calling Dwarves as "son of" their mother being the ultimate sign of being in trouble, I point to this head canon.

On the choice of the name Urd: "From the Old Norse Urðr meaning "fate". In Norse mythology Urd was one of the three Norns, or goddesses of destiny. She was responsible for the past." - From Behind the Name.


	6. Chapter VI: Hell is Empty and All the De

Chapter VI: Hell is Empty and All the Devils are Here

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Thorin drove again, but Balin had requested he not be navigator for the next part of the drive. "There is so little rock," Balin said, "I cannot feel the earth properly. And those swamps…"

Bramble took over. Her usual cheerfulness dampened after the mention of the Fell Winter. She did her job well, even if they did have to use the Elven Road. Thorin watched her out of the corner of his eye. She physically looked the worse for wear. Though he could not sense it himself, Gandalf had said the forest was poisoned. A Hobbit who was tied to growing things would feel it more strongly than those born of stone.

It was a strange highway. They crossed bridges which could barely fit the vans. Winding roads almost sent them into water filled ditches several times. Moss hung from the trees which would sometimes hang so low the trees would brush against the top of the windshields.

The air disturbed Thorin the most though. It was almost as thick as when the great forges of Erebor at full capacity. The heat was not as wretched as he knew it to be in summer, but Bramble looked queasy from it, drinking a bottle of water every thirty minutes. Her ever present vest had been discarded in an attempt to remain cool. The air conditioning barely worked. Thorin worried with his luck it would break.

"I'm losing my mind," Bramble said, "Someone, help. I need to do something related to literature. A fairy story. I will even talk _Hamlet_. Get my mind off this impossible heat."

"And what's wrong with _Hamlet_, professor?" Thorin said.

"Oh, by all the powers that be! It's your favorite tragedy, isn't it? You're utterly morbid!" Bramble said.

Thorin shrugged, but smiled at the Hobbit. "It's a good play."

"It's an awful play! It's just a bunch of navel-gazing from an idiot who can't stab a murderer!"

"It is a play about the complications of political life while trying to retain your humanity. And you can't just stab the king! He's the king!"

"Oh, you can if he is a threat to the state. Besides, he already upturned the natural order of things."

Thorin eyed Bramble suspiciously. "It's _Julius Caesar _for you, isn't it?"

"Guilty as charged."

Thorin gave a fake gasp. "Balin, remind me never to meet with our burglar on the Ides of March."

"I'll make a note," Balin said dryly.

"It is one of the most boring of the tragedies. How can you stand it?" Thorin said.

"It's about doing the right thing but doing it by the wrong methods and how it can lead to even worse consequences," Bramble said, "It is a real philosophical conundrum, unlike, say, killing your incestuous, regicide-committing uncle."

"I can't believe someone as intelligent as you does not see Shakespeare's greatest work for what it is."

"Ugh. I have used New Criticism, Reader Criticism, Structuralism, Deconstruction, Psychoanalytic Criticism, Feminism, Marxism, New Historicism, Post colonialism, and Queer Theory. The only one I haven't done is African-American Criticism though I am sure someone has done it! I have analyzed it to death and found it wanting."

"Literature majors. You can't even appreciate a great piece of entertainment without murdering it. Glad I never was one."

Bramble smirked. "Hey, us literature majors are why you're still reading off-color jokes four hundred years later. Never underestimate WHAT IN THE WORLD IS A RIVER DOING THERE?"

Thorin slammed on the breaks, Dori's car bumping against Beorn's. Thorin jumped out.

"Baggins, did you get us lost?" Thorin said.

"No! We're on the road," Bramble said. She motioned to a mile marker made of stone with an Elvish inscription.

Thorin, Balin, Dori, and Bramble spread their maps out and sat on the ground as they tried to make sense what had gone wrong.

"We're just outside Baton Rouge," Bramble said.

The Dwarves hissed and muttered curses.

"Listen, I know you hate the Woodland Elves and I get it, but we are passing though their territory. You have to at least acknowledge they are there," Bramble said, "Besides, we have a bigger problem than some Elves who don't know we're here."

"There isn't supposed to be a river," Balin said.

"No, duh, Sherlock," Dwalin snapped.

"Dwalin, keep an eye on the road," Thorin said.

"The only thing I can think of is maybe a creek flooded," Dori said.

Bramble cocked her head to the side. "Can I try something?"

"What?" Thorin asked warily.

The Hobbit dashed to Dori's van to unhook her bicycle. "What are you doing?" Bofur said.

"I'm going to ride over the road to see if the cars can get across. If my bike can do it, so can these," Bramble said as she patted Dori's van affectionately.

"Baggins," Thorin growled.

"I've done this before at home," Bramble said.

"Baggins! Shoes and sword!" Thorin said.

Bramble looked down at her bare feet. "Mosquitoes, alligators, and R.O.U.S.'s oh my!"

Thorin muttered curses to himself about the stupidity of Hobbits as he snatched Bramble's sword and ridiculous rain boots from the car. Bramble was by his side in a moment and struggled to put on her boots. He helped her put on the shoes. She rested her hand on his shoulder while he knelt before. Thorin wanted to not notice her reliance for balance from him and how she smiled at him. He really didn't.

"Come on. Off you go, burglar," Thorin said. He tapped her boots. "Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."

Bramble laughed as she rode off. He stood up and watched carefully for trouble as Bramble began her ride through the river.

"Baggins, stop!" Thorin said.

Bramble paused just as she was about to enter the water. "What?"

He nodded to across the river. A wondrous white stag stood on the other side. "Oh, wow," Bella said.

The Dwarves shouted at the deer, but it did not move. It only stared at the Company.

"Don't move, Baggins," Thorin said. He already had motioned to Fíli to pass him a rifle.

"What are you doing?" Bramble hissed.

"Deer are common enough and we don't need it gutting our Burglar," Thorin said.

"Thorin, no, don't…"

He shot a round just past the stag's head, hitting a branch. The stag leapt off into the woods.

"You shouldn't have done that. It's bad luck," Bramble said with a tinge of sadness in her voice.

"I don't believe in luck. We make our own luck," Thorin said, almost spitting out the words.

Bramble shook her head at the Dwarf. "And you just made ours bad, oh fearless leader."

She began peddling across, the world around her became colder. As she continued across the river, the water rose high enough to brush the bottom of her boots when her pedals were at their lowest point.

She made it across. Thorin exhaled, not realizing he had held his breath.

"I'm going to ride down a little bit while I wait for all of you to cross! There was a town marked on one of the maps a quarter of a mile down," Bramble shouted across the river.

"Do you have your phone?" Bombur shouted back.

Bramble waved her phone before getting back on her bike.

"Don't get into trouble Baggins!" Thorin said.

The Hobbit waved to him and continued her ride.

Thorin turned around back to his Company, half of whom tried to hid giggles. Warriors did not _giggle_.

"What's so funny?" Thorin said.

"Nothing," was the not so innocent response.

"Back in the vans. Our burglar can't keep out of trouble," Thorin said.

As he waited for the Company to get back in the vehicles, Thorin noticed there was something different hanging from the trees. Spider webs? They were too big to be…

The first breeze Thorin had felt all day brought the sound of whispering.

"What's that?" Thorin said quietly.

He walked around the car to the side of the road. There was more whispering and it was getting closer. The Company chattered away merrily.

"Enough! Quiet! All of you! We're being watched."

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Bramble felt immensely better being back on her bicycle. She got a bit of a breeze as she sped down the Elven Road. The sun shone. The town was in shambles…

The town was in shambles.

Bramble stopped her bike. The town could have been deserted ages ago, but judging by the fuel prices, it was sometime in the past year. The windows and doors were knocked down and there were giant cobwebs everywhere.

"Okay. This is a horror movie waiting to happen," Bramble said as she made her way back to the Company.

When she got back to the river, Bramble saw the van doors had been smashed open. She peddled over as fast as she could through the water, dropping Myrtle as soon as she was in front of Beorn's van.

Bramble crouched down and looked into the wrecked vans. There was something dark staining the seats, but it was too dark to be Dwarf blood.

"Good. At least they aren't dead. I should…"

Something pounced on Bramble. She screamed and pulled out her sword, but was knocked out almost instantly. All she remembered was the feeling of multiple limbs touching her.

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A/N: The chapter title is a quote from _The Tempest_. Yes, I am aware Hell doesn't exist in Middle-Earth mythology.

All of the criticisms mentioned by Bramble were used when I studied Literary Criticism and _Hamlet_. It is a brilliant play, but it is hard to just watch it when you have a dozen different literary theories analyzing the thing.

Thorin's favorite Shakespeare plays: _Hamlet_, _Henry V_, tie between _Love's Labor Lost_ and _As You Like It_.

Bramble's favorite Shakespeare plays: _Julius Caesar_, _Henry V_, and _Much Ado About Nothing_.


	7. Chapter VII: In Which the Writer's Arach

Chapter VII: In Which the Writer's Arachnophobia Is In Overdrive

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The Hobbit was bound in something both dry and sticky as she was dragged across a large tree branch. Opening her eyes, Bramble was at first confused by what seemed to be cobwebs in her eyes. She certainly was not a fly; she remembered that much. Bramble also remembered multiple limbs taking her.

A spider bigger than Dwalin pulled Bramble deeper into the forest and up into the moss covered trees. The spider stopped and turned around. It came closer and closer…

Bramble remembered the sword in her hand and swung it up, stabbing through the webbing and into the spider. She yanked back, splitting the spider's guts. The Hobbit had enough movement to fling the spider off the branch and onto the watery floor of the swamp.

"Spiders! Why spiders? It even said it on the map! Of course it would be spiders," Bramble squealed in horror as she cut her way out of the web encasing her.

Bramble looked up and saw the Dwarves hanging from branches. She could see the outline of Bofur's hat. A spider began crawling up to the Dwarves.

"This is certainly an emergency," Bramble muttered while she slipped on the ring.

The Hobbit felt ill as soon as she put back on the ring. The forest was darker than ever and the air more oppressive. Worst of all, she could hear what the spiders said.

"Kill them. Kill them," one said.

"Eat them now!" another said.

Another added with glee, "Their hide is tough. There is good juice inside."

A Dwarf (most likely Bombur from what Bramble could see) began to try to kick at the spiders. "Stick it again! Stick it again! Finish it off!"

"Ahh! The meat is alive and kicking!"

"Kill them, kill them now. Let us feast."

The spiders began to chant "Feast". A spider skittered above Bramble, barely missing her. She could stand it no longer. Grabbing a piece of wood broken off the tree, she tossed it as far away from the Dwarves as she could.

All the spiders save for one rushed over to the sound. "What is it? What is it? Kill it! Feast! Feast!"

The lone spider poked Bombur. "Fat and juicy. Just a little taste."

It threw Bombur onto a thick tree branch and prepared to eat the Dwarf. Bramble moved as quietly as she could before slashing the spider's back.

The spider hissed and tried to find Bramble, but could not figure out where the Hobbit hid. Bramble cut off one of the spiders eight legs.

"Curses! Where is it? Where is it?" the spider screamed as Bramble continued slicing at the spider.

Bramble pulled off the ring and smiled. "Here!"

She shoved her sword into the spider's head.

"It stings! Stings!" the spider squealed.

Bramble pulled out her sword, allowing the spider to fall to the forest floor, dead.

"Don't. Touch. My. Friends," Bramble hissed.

She held up her sword and looked at it. "Dís was right. I do get to name it. Sting. That's a good name." She smiled manically as she looked at the Dwarves. "Sting. Let's go save the Dwarves in distress, shall we?"

Bramble cut Bombur out of her webbing. The Dwarf only had a knife, but they both went to work to get the other Dwarves down. By the time Bramble and Bombur worked on cutting the Company out of their bonds, the Dwarves were awake and cursing.

Bifur hit the spongey swamp ground harder than the rest, so Bombur went down to help her cousin. By the time Bramble had finished cutting down the Dwarves, she could hear Bofur saying, "Where's Bramble?"

All the Dwarves looked around for their Hobbit in concern. "Bramble!" "Professor!" "BURGLAR!" (The last one was probably Thorin angry his burglar had done something stupid, again. Bramble made a note to avoid him for a little bit until his wrath cooled.)

"I'm up here!" Bramble said.

A spider jumped at Bramble, knocking her from the branch she stood on. She stabbed it, but she went down with the spider to the forest floor.

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"There's more of them!" Ori shouted.

"Circle, now!" Thorin commanded.

The Dwarves pulled out their guns, axes, and swords.

"Steady… steady," Thorin said as he took aim at a spider with orange markings, "FIRE!"

The Dwarves took down three spiders immediately, but the rest they merely wounded. Bombur was knocked off her feet as a spider launched itself at her.

"Grab a leg!" Fíli said.

Seven Dwarves joined her. "PULL!" Nori shouted.

After some resistance, all eight of the spider's legs ripped off, the body landing on Bombur.

"Disgusting," Dori said.

A spider grabbed Kíli and began dragging him away. Dís went after her son. The spider died swiftly by Orcrist.

Thorin saw more spiders coming. He was about to shoot when he saw something moving in the forest trees above them.

"Parkour? Stupid, snotty Elves," Nori said.

The blonde Elf swung down a spider's rope and killed it just before it got to Thorin. The Elf sliced the spider in half.

The Elf had a gun to Thorin's face when he stood. "Do not think I won't kill you, Dwarf. It would be my pleasure."

Elves. Elves everywhere. Thorin would have rather dealt with the spiders.

"Help!" Kíli screamed as he was dragged away by yet another spider.

"Kíli!" Fíli shouted as she tried to get to her brother. One of the Elves tackled her to the ground.

"Someone help my brother!" Fíli screamed.

"On it," a female Elf said.

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Kíli had hoped when he died, it would at least be a glorious battle, though preferably from old age. Instead, he was going to be killed by an overgrown flycatcher.

A female Elf came from above, killing three spiders as she descended the branches with a combination of her handgun and her long knife. She killed the spider dragging Kíli in one shot. A spider came behind her. The Elf worked on dispatching the creature. Kíli saw a spider coming towards him.

"Throw me your dagger! Quick!" Kíli shouted.

"If you think I'm giving you a weapon, Dwarf, you're mistaken!" She killed the spider in front of her before killing the other spider by throwing her dagger.

Kíli looked at the Elf in awe. It was beyond amazing. When the Elf laughed, he realized he had said it aloud.

"Come, Dwarf," the Elf said. She was almost a foot shorter than him, beautiful, and radiated the confidence of a warrior. "Let's take you back to the rest of your friends. Hands behind your head."

"And who do I have to thank for saving my life?" Kíli asked as he did what he was told.

"Tauriel, a captain of Thranduil's guard. Come on, get moving," she said.

"Yes, ma'am," Kíli said with a bit more glee than he should have had under the circumstances.

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"Search them," Legolas said. He went to the Dwarf nearest him, the older of the two red-headed women. There was a phone with a picture of two other Dwarves on the wallpaper.

"Hey! Give it back! That's private!" Glóin said.

"Who is this? Your brother?" Legolas said.

"That's my husband!" Glóin said.

"And what is this horrid creature? A goblin mutant?"

"That's my lad, Gimli. He's a child and he has better manners than you, tree hugger," Glóin said.

Before Legolas could retort, some of the Elves jumped back from Fíli when she dropped a small device with a blinking red light. "Chill, guys," Fíli said, "It's just a toy I've been working on."

Legolas looked down at Glóin's phone and found it blank. He took out his own phone and found it to be dead as well. The Elf stalked up to Fíli.

"An EMP pulse?" Legolas said.

Fíli shrugged.

"Now, why would you need an EMP pulse?" Legolas said.

"Like I said, a toy I've been working on. It's not my fault Elves are clumsy," Fíli said with a smirk.

Legolas raised an eyebrow, but relaxed slightly when he saw Tauriel approach them with another Dwarf. He said in Sindarin, "_Are the spiders dead?_"

"_Yes, but more will come. They're growing bolder,_" Tauriel said.

"What are you doing?" Kíli shouted as he covered his eyes.

Fíli stripped down to her underwear, showing several weapons strapped to her body. "I am not going to be groped by Elves."

Thorin rubbed his eyes. He said to Dís quietly, "I'm blaming you for this."

"It's quicker and less embarrassing in the long run," Dís said.

One of Legolas' men handed him Dís' sword, Orcrist. Legolas smiled and said in Sindarin, "_This is an ancient Elvish blade. Forged by my kin._" He glared at Dís. "Where did you get this?"

"It was given to my brother," Dís said, "I took it from him since he wasn't using it."

Legolas pointed Orcrist at Dís. "Not just a thief, but a liar as well."

"I am many things, but I am no thief. I cannot say the same for the Woodland Realm and its king," Dís said.

"You should remind your sister who she speaks to, Thorin Oakenshield," Legolas said.

"She speaks to the son of a traitor," Thorin stated.

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It certainly raised Elf prince's ire. The Elves roughly pushed the Dwarves through the forest. Fíli struggled to put her clothes back on while also walking.

"A little diplomacy wouldn't hurt," Balin muttered.

"They shouldn't dismiss my sister as one who speaks out of turn when she merely spoke the truth," Thorin said.

Bofur whispered, "Thorin, where's Bramble?"

The Dwarf king looked around wildly. The Hobbit was nowhere to be seen. The last thing he remembered was… she was knocked down by a spider. Was she…?

But the Elves would have found her if she had been… no. She was alive. Bramble was alive and not captured.

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The Elves shoved Bofur next to Thorin into a van with no windows save for the front seat. The Dwarves had been separated into four different vans filled with Elves.

Something (really, someone) landed on the two Dwarves' feet.

"I'm not here," came a hushed whisper.

Bofur tried to keep a smile off his face when he saw his feet were a bit too blurry.

"Feet up," mumbled Thorin.

The three of them worked together so the Dwarves' legs could partially cover Bramble while she slid as much as she could under the seat. Bofur felt infinitely better knowing everyone was alive and well (though not safe by any means). Thorin was tense, but not on the verge of panic like earlier.

"We're going to be separated," Thorin said, "Don't say anything. Try to stay _invisible _in the eyes of the Elves. Don't cause trouble. We want _all _of the Company safe."

Bofur saw the edge of Thorin's jeans being tugged in acknowledgment. "Alright," Bofur said.

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On the outskirts of Baton Rouge was a mini-city which sat along the banks of the Mississippi. It had several buildings of the French style with trees at least as old as Baton Rouge itself.

The Elves separated the Dwarves after being presented to the King of the Woodland Realm. (Dwalin was quite irate over being called "annoying".) Thorin remained with King Thranduil. The guards led the rest of the Company to various cells in the building which was also used as storage situated over a tributary which led to the Mississippi.

Tauriel shoved Kíli into his cell.

"Aren't you going to search me? I could have anything down my trousers," Kíli said

"Or nothing," Tauriel said dryly as she slammed the cell door shut.

Kíli tried not to smile. He thought idly he might have had a crush on her if she was not an Elf.

Legolas stopped Tauriel a few feet from Kíli's cell, speaking to her in Sindarin. "_Why does the Dwarf stare at you, Tauriel?_"

"_Who can say? Dwarves are strange,_" Tauriel said.

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Dwalin immediately tried to start breaking down his cell wall. As Balin passed by, he said to his younger brother, "Leave it! There's no way out. This is no Orc dungeon; these are the halls of the Woodland Realm. No one leaves here but by the king's consent."

"Well, let's hope Thorin can use tact with the Elves for once," Dwalin said. He immediately realized they were doomed.

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A/N: THE THINGS I DO FOR WRITING! UGH! SPIDERS!

My apologies on the late update. was down when I originally intended to post and then I was dealing with school stuff or being sick since then.

The band RED was my soundtrack for writing this chapter. They're good for battle scenes and angry angst. For battle scenes with sad angst, I turn to Skillet.

Thranduil's palace is completely made up for Baton Rouge. I have been to the city once, it was dark out, and we only stopped at a gas station for fuel for about ten minutes. (It was a mission trip to New Orleans post-Katrina to help with clean-up and rebuilding.) You could buy alligator heads there. Like real ones. I got a wooden one painted to look like a real alligator for my Dad as he had jokingly asked for one when I left. When I pulled it out of my bag when my parents picked me up, my Mother almost crashed the car. It was fantastic.


	8. Chapter VIII: You Remind Me of the Dwarf

Chapter VIII: You Remind Me of the Dwarf

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Thorin calculated if he could strangle King Thranduil with the Elven guards standing so close by in the throne room. The joy it would bring him was immeasurable. It would also probably lead to all of his Dwarves being executed. So, in the long run, it was a bad idea.

Not that Thorin did not think about all the different ways he could kill the Elf during the course of their conversation.

Thranduil walked around Thorin as he spoke. "Some may imagine that a noble quest is at hand: a quest to reclaim a homeland and slay a dragon. I myself suspect a more prosaic motive: attempted burglary, or something of that ilk."

With graceful ease, Thranduil removed the map and key from Thorin's jacket. The blond Elf king moved to remove the map from the plastic bag when Thorin snapped, "Don't!"

Thranduil raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"You have to wear gloves," Thorin said, "It's almost two hundred years old. I would have an incensed historian after me if anything happened to it."

The Elf smiled. "Indeed. I called Lord Elrond. He said you came to him with an academic question. He even consulted a Hobbit for it, of all creatures. Professor Baggins sends her regards from Rivendell."

Thorin did not show his surprise. Lord Elrond somehow knew Bramble had not been captured, yet the Elf lord protected Thorin over his own kin. He knew it was not from love of Dwarves. Lord Elrond must not have been particularly fond of his Woodland kin.

Thranduil continued speaking. "You have found a way in. You seek that which would bestow upon you the right to rule: the King's Jewel, the Arkenstone. It is precious to you beyond measure. I understand that. There are gems in the mountain that I too desire. White gems of pure starlight. I offer you my help." He gave a slight nod of his head.

Thorin chuckled softly and resisted rolling his eyes. "I'm listening."

"I will let you go, if you but return what is mine," Thranduil said.

Thorin turned around and walked as far away as the guards would allow him. He would have knocked out the pretty boy's teeth otherwise. "A favor for a favor."

"You have my word. One king to another."

Thorin's voice rose with his growing anger. "I would not trust Thranduil, the great king, to honor his word should the end of all days be upon us!" He spun around. "You lack all honor! I've seen how you treat your friends. We came to you once, starving, homeless, seeking your help, but you turned your back. You turned away from the suffering of my people and the inferno that destroyed us! Imrid amrad ursul!"

Thranduil ignored the Dwarf's personal space as he stood close enough to almost touch Thorin. "Do not talk to me of dragon fire. I know its wrath and ruin. I have faced the great serpents of the north." His face changed as he spoke showing burns and scars along the left side of his face, his left eye milky white.

The Elf moved away and his face returned to normal. "I warned your grandfather of what his greed would summon, but he would not listen." Thranduil walked back up to his throne. "You are just like him." He motioned for the guards to take the prisoner away.

The guards began dragging Thorin backwards, away from the king. "Stay here if you will, and rot. A hundred years is a mere blink in the life of an Elf. I am patient. I can wait."

Thorin began using every curse he knew. A hundred years? Thorin would be dead in half the time most likely. Thranduil expected to break the younger Dwarves. How dare Thranduil threaten those under Thorin's care?

For a moment, Thorin saw the blurry movement of Bramble trying to follow him. He motioned and mouthed as best as he could, "Get the map and key!"

The blur stopped following Thorin and went to shadow King Thranduil. Thorin relaxed for one second before struggling again.

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Bramble would strangle stupid, stubborn, honor-bound Dwarf when she saw him again. Did he not understand he was more important to find than a scrap of paper and a piece of metal?

She soon understood his reasoning. Thorin would need food at some point. From the conversation between the two kings, Bramble knew Thranduil intended to keep Thorin as long as he lived. He would be easier to find than a map which would sit in some vault or other.

With that reasoning, she followed Thranduil. Bramble felt like she was waiting to get caught. The Elf King went to some sort of sitting room. Well, she thought it was a sitting room. It was grander than any ballroom Bramble had ever been in, but the king seemed somewhat relaxed here.

"I know you're there," Thranduil said, turning toward Bramble direction where she had hidden behind a pillar. "Why do you linger in the shadows?"

Bramble was about to take off her ring when Tauriel walked past the Hobbit. "I was coming to report to you."

Bramble sunk to the ground and focused on breathing.

"I thought I ordered that nest to be destroyed not two moons past," Thranduil said.

"We cleared the forest as ordered, my lord, but more spiders keep coming up from the south. They are spawning in the ruins of Dol Guldur; if we could kill them at their source…"

"That fortress lies beyond our borders. Keeping our lands clear of those foul creatures is your task."

Tauriel was obviously agitated. "And when we drive them off, what then? Will they not spread to other lands?"

"Other lands are not my concern. The fortunes of the world will rise and fall, but here in this kingdom, we will endure."

Tauriel gave a respectful bow, despite her disagreement with the king.

As she turned, Thranduil said, "Legolas said you fought well today." She smiled. "He has grown very fond of you."

Bramble felt instant sympathy for the female Elf. The news shocked and deeply embarrassed the Elf captain. The Hobbit had seen Tauriel fight and knew she was a fearless warrior. To be so undone disturbed the Hobbit.

"I assure you, my lord, Legolas thinks of me as no more than a captain of the guard."

"Perhaps he did once. Now, I'm not so sure." Thranduil walked past Tauriel to pour himself a drink.

Tauriel said quietly, "I do not think you would allow your son to pledge himself to a lowly Silvan Elf."

"No, you are right. I would not. Still, he cares about you. Do not give him hope where there is none."

Tauriel nodded and, holding back a look of anguish, left the king. Bramble remained with Thranduil as the Elf king examined the map and the key… without gloves. Both these events took away any guilt Bramble felt over the next few weeks of stealing from the king of the Woodland Realm.

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A/N: I said it once and I will say it again, there is no escaping _Labyrinth_. I used "I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin to write part of Thorin and Thranduil's scene.

I apologize for the slow update. I was finishing up my field experience these past two weeks.

Translation from Khuzdul - Thanks to the same folks in charge of the script!

Imrid amrad ursul! - Die a death of flames! (Rough translation)

I think this is pretty much the worst way Thorin can imagine dying besides the "clawing for breath" (which I address later on). I think it shows the depths of his hatred as about the same as someone who believes in the existence of eternal damnation telling someone to go to Hell. But that's my personal head canon.


	9. Chapter IX: Hide and Seek

Chapter IX: Hide and Seek

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Tauriel did her rounds through the cells the night after the Dwarves arrived. The Woodland Realm rarely had long-term prisoners. Mostly it was drunk and disorderly Elves. The Dwarves had certainly shaken everyone's routine.

Kíli threw a black stone in the air and caught it repeatedly. Tauriel found it odd. She had always been told Dwarves loved precious metals and gemstones, not a rock which could be found in a river.

"The stone in your hand, what is it?" Tauriel asked.

"It is a talisman. A powerful spell lies upon it. If any but a Dwarf reads the runes on this stone, they will be forever cursed," Kíli said. He held up the stone, staring at Tauriel.

She stepped back slightly, unsure of how Dwarf magic worked.

"Or not, depending on whether you believe that kind of thing. It's just a token." The Dwarf smiled with kindness.

Tauriel smiled back. She did not think Dwarves had a sense of humor. All of the ones she met had been terse with her.

Kíli held the stone in one hand. "A rune stone. My Mother gave it to me so I'd remember my promise. She gave one to my sister and my uncle too."

"What promise?"

"That I will come back to her. I mean, it's a bit silly. She's on this venture with us. But my Father… he forgot to carry it with him the day he died so she is rather superstitious about it. Not that I blame her."

"I'm sorry for your loss," Tauriel said.

"Thanks. It happened a long time ago. I was… almost six and a half. It's been several decades. Fíli got so serious after…" Kíli cleared his throat. "Anyway, my Mom. She worries. She thinks I'm reckless."

"Are you?" Tauriel asked.

"Nah." Kíli tossed the stone in the air and missed. The stone skittered out of his cell. Tauriel stopped it with her foot.

She picked up the stone and inspected it. The Elf did not understand the words, but she could see the quality of the craftsmanship.

"Listen, I'm sorry about my comment earlier," Kíli said, "It wasn't gentleman-like of me. I wasn't raised that way. I'm sorry."

"You are forgiven," Tauriel said, "But I'm afraid I must leave. I have tarried here too long." She gave the stone back to Kíli. "Don't do anything _reckless _or I will have to come by your cell again."

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Bramble vaguely remembered some psychological study about how people would not notice a gorilla running around if they were told to focus on how many basketball passes someone made. It was the only reason she could think of for not being caught so far. The other possibility was the Elves were just stupid, but that sounded a bit too Dwarvish to her. Honestly, it was a bit unnerving the Elves who were supposed to be watching out for Orcs could not notice one single Hobbit stealing their food.

Security, overall, was rather relaxed once one was in the King's Halls. Getting in and out was impossible. Bramble had gotten the key and map with ease. Thranduil had locked it up that night before he went to bed in his desk. Looking around at the king's office, she guessed he was not involved with technology. When there was no blow-up the next day, Bramble realized Thranduil did not care much about the Dwarves and their quest. As long as the dragon did not come to Mirkwood, than it did not matter to the Elf king.

The Elves were good at one thing: making mazes. Bramble had problems figuring out where everyone and everything was. She knew where the royals lived, but little else. What she needed was to find a security room or at least a map.

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It was some time after her sixth meal in the dungeon when Dís received a visitor. She did not bother getting up from her cot. "Ah, Prince Legolas. What an annoyance."

"I am not here to quarrel with you, Lady Dís," Legolas said.

"I am not telling you anything. Not sorry," Dís said.

Legolas held up a tablet. "Your children."

Dís shot up and ran to the cell bars. "What about my children?"

Legolas hit play on a video of Fíli. _"Is this some evil Elf conspiracy or something? Whatever. Hi, Mom. Fíli here. Not dead. I had some bread and cheese for whatever this meal is. Working on my great escape. So, don't worry. I'm physically fine. Love you. Elves can go Ish kakhfê ai'd dur rugnu!"_

"And your son," Legolas said as he switched to another video, this time of Kíli.

_"__Why am I doing this?" Kíli asked._

_"__To reassure your Mother," Legolas said._

_"__Yeah. Sure. You're going to dub my voice over or something to make a ransom video."_

_"__You are not worth the effort," Legolas said._

_Kíli sighed and rubbed his face before speaking. "Hey, Mom. Kíli here. Not dead. I'm getting fed pretty regularly. Cheese and bread, mostly. I hope you're okay too. Love you. Oh, and Elves suck!"_

The video ended.

"What was that for?" Dís said.

"My Father understands the need for a parent to know their children are safe," Legolas said, "We are not cruel by nature, Lady Dís. We do not desire any of you to suffer. We would not separate a mother from her children."

Dís gave a smile of disdain. "You see, Elf prince, I know it is not true. If your Father did care about such, he would have helped my people. Do you not know how many orphans were created that day? Parents who could not even bury their children? Who had to watch them die? Does he not realize my own mother was among the dead? And he expects me to be GRATEFUL for this taunt! I will not see my children face to face while your father holds us prisoner."

Legolas looked at Dís blankly, but there was a flicker of confusion in his eyes for a moment. "Lady Dís, this was not done out of malice."

"Not just cruel, but a liar as well," Dís said as she mimicked his words from before.

Legolas sighed. "I am sorry to have caused you pain, Lady Dís. It was not done on purpose." He nodded before leaving her.

Dís curled up on her cot, feeling cold and more alone than ever. She was overjoyed to see her children well, but the sorrow came with knowing she could not see them again was worse than being shot.

A voice whispered, "Dís!"

The Dwarf looked around and saw nothing. "Am I being haunted?"

"No. It's me, Bramble."

Dís stood up and looked as far out of her cell as she could. "I think I'm hallucinating."

"You're not," Bramble said as she took Dís' hand.

Dís jumped, but relaxed slightly when she saw the distortion where Bramble stood. "You weren't captured?"

"No. I am trying to find everyone. You're the first one I've found."

"How?" Dís asked.

"I couldn't get to a security room, but I found the kitchens. I followed the food," Bramble said, "Thorin asked me to get the map and key. Do you think I should give them to you?"

"No. What if they search my cell?" Dís said.

"Okay. Good point. Do you know where anyone else is?" Bramble asked.

"No. I just know Fíli and Kíli are alright. My guess is they put me as far from the others as possible, particularly Thorin."

"Why?"

"I am the mother of the heir to Erebor. I could lead the Company if necessary. The Elves know, though, I won't leave without my brother or my children."

"Good to know. Dís, I have to go. I haven't been caught yet, but it's because I keep moving whenever there are cameras around, like now. I will find the rest of the Company and get you out, I promise."

"Good luck, professor," Dís said.

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It was somewhat easier from there to find the rest of the Dwarves once Bramble knew what building they were in. Hallways, doors locked and/or guarded, and a plethora of cameras separated the Company. Food was harder to come by and sleep was less likely. The Dwarves were more than willing to slip Bramble food.

The first Dwarf the Hobbit found after Dís was Balin. He was relieved to hear Thorin was alive and the map had been found. Balin was not happy about Thorin's actions. "The boy is far too rash. The deal was our only hope. Save for you, of course."

"Your confidence is overwhelming," Bramble said dryly.

Dwalin was next and he was calmed to hear about his brother, Thorin, and Dís. Bifur was ecstatic to be able to be understood, even if it was just basic Khuzdul. Glóin cursed the Elves continuously. Dori, Nori, and Ori worried about their sisters. Bombur complained about the food. Fíli was on the verge of panic about her brother. Óin was getting new batteries for his hearing aids on a regular basis. Seeing Bofur again brought Bramble absolute joy.

"My dear lass! I would spin you around, but these bars are in the way!"

"Oh, Bofur, I think I've missed you most," Bramble said. She was able to take his hand through the bars.

They leaned their foreheads together as best as they could. Bofur sniffled. "Now, namad, if you're crying, I will be cross."

"I'm not crying, except from maybe exhaustion. I think I have had two hours straight at one point. Everything else has just been naps of a few minutes. How are you?"

"Fantastic now you're here! Where's everyone else?"

"Nearby. Kíli and Thorin are the two I have left. Bombur and Bifur say hello. Bombur asks how the food is for you. She hates it."

"I haven't had problems with the food. Are you eating enough?"

"I haven't felt the need to pass out," Bramble said.

"Now that's not good at all. Hobbits need to eat, particularly my little namad. If you challenged Smaug to a pie eating competition, you'd win!"

Bramble laughed. "Bofur, you are wonderful."

"That's true."

She laughed again. "I have to go. I will come back and start delivering messages in a little bit." Bramble sighed. "I'm not looking forward to seeing Thorin again. I'm sure he is going to berate me because of the spiders. He looked so angry when he realized what happened. It's not like I brought the spiders down on us."

"Trust me, professor, he wasn't angry at you. He'll be happy to see you. Even happier than me." He winked at Bramble's direction. "Just go find them and figure a way out of here."

"I will."

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Bramble's heart stopped when she almost ran into Captain Tauriel. The Hobbit relaxed slightly when she saw the Elf was preoccupied with Kíli.

"I think you tried tossing this the first time we met," Tauriel said as she held up a smooth stone.

"There's only so much recklessness I can do in here," Kíli said. He leaned up against the bars and smiled. "And how are you on this fine evening… day… whatever?"

"It is evening," Tauriel said, "I am well."

"So, do you Elves do anything fun around here besides hunting spiders?" Kíli said.

"We have fun just like everyone else. We have feasts, dances, parties, TV binges…" Tauriel shrugged. "Nothing other people do not have. Dwarves?"

"All of that too. Our biggest is Durin's Day and it's my favorite. It is coming up in the middle of October. We have this huge feast with so much food we have leftovers for everyone for a week. We dance until our feet are blistered and we sing until our voices are hoarse. Even Uncle Thorin is happy. He doesn't dance properly though. He says he won't dance until… well, things. As far as I know since the fall of Erebor he hasn't danced except for my Mom's wedding and for the parties thrown after Fíli and me were born."

Tauriel smiled at Kíli which made the Dwarf's cheeks turn slightly pink. "I'm talking too much. You. What is your favorite event?"

Tauriel smiled even broader. "It is Mereth-en-Gilith, the Feast of Starlight, which we will celebrate in a week and a half." She stepped away for a moment, her eyes bright. "All light is sacred to the Eldar, but Wood Elves love best the light of the stars."

Kíli said softly, "I always thought it is a cold light, remote and far away."

Tauriel turned towards Kíli. "It is memory, precious and pure. Like your promise." She gave the stone back to Kíli, their hands touching a moment longer than necessary. "I have walked there sometimes, beyond the forest and up into the night. I have seen the world fall away and the white light forever fill the air."

Kíli looked at Tauriel with open admiration. "I saw a fire moon once. It rose over the pass near Dunland, huge; red and gold it was, filled the sky. We were an escort for some merchants from Ered Luin, they were trading in Silverbuck for furs. We took the Greenway south, keeping the mountain to our left, and then, this huge fire moon, right in our path. I wish I could show you..."

Bramble crept away. It was an entirely unexpected development and she had no idea what to make of it.

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Sometime after Bramble saw Tauriel left, the Hobbit went to Kíli who stood with his back to the bars of his cells. "Fíli and Dís send their love."

Kíli spun around. "Professor!"

"Shush! Not so loud." She placed her hand on his arm.

"Everyone is alright, professor?"

"Yes. I have found everyone except for Thorin. Do you have any messages you want me to carry? I can't do much else at the moment."

"Just that I am well. Are you alright, professor?"

"I'm fine, Kíli." Bramble was silent for a moment. "So… any information on the Elves you could give me?"

"They aren't pure evil?" Kíli offered weakly. "I don't know, professor. There is nothing I could tell which could help."

Bramble was glad Kíli could not see her smile. "It's alright, Kíli. Just keep doing what you're doing."

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Over the next five days, Bramble had added passing messages to her list of things to do besides looking for Thorin, finding a way out, and avoiding detection. Her exhaustion built to a critical point. The Hobbit was not sure how much longer she could keep going on like this.

On the thirteenth day of their imprisonment, Bramble found a small storage room with some blankets. The room was dusty from disuse. Bramble nestled into a corner, wrapping herself in blankets she found in the room. She was finally warm for the first time in almost two weeks.

Bramble was unsure how long she had been sleeping, but she awoke by the voice of Captain Tauriel saying, "I don't know how you're doing it, but if you want to not be shot, you had better make yourself visible right this second."

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A/N: "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap is the unofficial song of this chapter.

Translation from Khuzdul - Thanks to the same folks in charge of the script!

Namad - Sister.

Ish kakhfê ai'd dur rugnu! - I spit upon your grave! (Rough translation)

I have seen several translations for this phrase which say it actually involves excrement, but either way it is safe to say the phrase is a high insult.


	10. Chapter X: Hidden

Chapter X: Hidden

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Tauriel often went to the small storage room to think things over. It had not been a particularly bad day. Just… awkward. It had always been hard for Tauriel to make friends. She was not "eloquent in speech" as Legolas had put it years ago. Ever since her conversation with the king, it had become uncomfortable to be around Legolas. Their easy conversations and jokes fell away. At the same time, her conversations with a Dwarf she barely knew were… not always easy, but certainly enjoyable.

The captain sat down on a dusty crate and focused on breathing in and breathing out. She felt ridiculous. There were much more important things to think about such as where the spiders nested and…

Tauriel noticed a bundle of blankets crumpled up on the floor. It would have been odd on its own. The fact the blankets moved slightly without anything visibly underneath them was alarming.

The Elf pulled out her gun and aimed it at the blankets. "I don't know how you're doing it, but if you want to not be shot, you had better make yourself visible right this second."

A short, sickly-looking black woman with curly hair appeared in the blankets. "Don't shoot! I'm mostly harmless!"

"What are you doing here?" Tauriel said.

"Napping."

"I meant in the Woodland Realm. I have never sensed such a creature before," Tauriel said.

"I'm a Hobbit. We don't get out much. You see, I got a bit caught up in things and just kind of… landed here. It was all rather unexpected," the woman said.

"Put your hands behind your head," Tauriel said, "Though I have never heard of a dangerous Hobbit (of what little I have heard), I cannot risk the safety of this realm."

"I am not a safety risk," the Hobbit said as she stood up and put her hands behind her head. "I'm Belladonna, by the way. And you're Tauriel?"

"How do you know my name?" Tauriel said.

"I've heard you called it. I also know Mereth-en-Gilith, the Feast of Starlight, is your favorite special event," Belladonna said.

"You've been here some time. On your feet," Tauriel said.

Belladonna stood up, revealing she had a sword at her side. Her clothes hung loosely from her body.

"You carry a sword. Hardly something which belongs to a creature claiming to be 'harmless'."

"I said _mostly _harmless," Belladonna said, "If I wanted to do real damage, I would have done it far sooner."

The Elf put away her gun. Tauriel did not have anything official to restrain the Hobbit, so she grabbed some rope and tied Belladonna's hands together. "I doubt it."

Belladonna tilted her head and said, "Other lands are not my concern. The fortunes of the world will rise and fall, but here in this kingdom, we will endure."

Tauriel stiffened as she shoved the Hobbit into the hallway. "You heard that?"

"_All _of it," Belladonna said. She fell to the ground on her knees. "I've heard many other conversations too. If I wanted to kill someone say, the king, I would have done it ages ago. Has anything been reported stolen besides some food and water? Nope. See. Harmless. Well, mostly harmless."

The Elf bent over to help the Hobbit to her feet. Tauriel was hit in the nose with the back of Belladonna's head. Blood began flowing from Tauriel's nose. Before the Elf could recover, the Hobbit was gone.

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Bramble had no idea where she ran. She had slipped on the ring she had been able to keep in her hands, but the rope still bound her. All she cared about was getting away.

After running for fifteen minutes, Bramble stopped to catch her breath. No one had come close to her, but now the Hobbit was lost.

Voices spoke in Sindarin behind a closed door. "Anything weird on the monitors?"

"Not really, but we don't have the best quality."

"Keep looking. The video shows the creature disappearing. We are going to have to be extra careful with the prisoners. We should probably have an extra guard go when delivering the food."

"That would make three for the one in the basement."

Basement? Bramble did not think places so near swamps could have basements.

The door swung open as an Elf left. Bramble saw monitors. She sprinted into the room before the door closed, barely missing the Elf.

The guard watching the monitor was bored, but to Bramble it was a glorious sight. She saw the full extent of the security in the prison. Bramble could see cameras outside each cell, but not within to give the prisoners some privacy to use the facilities. Tauriel was escorted out of the building with a handkerchief pressed to her nose. (Bramble fully intended to bake scones for the Elf as an apology.) There seemed to be a large storage area at the bottom of the building stretched over the tributary. Best of all was a lone cell on the lowest level. It had a full door save for some bars at eye level the size of Bramble's hand.

Though Bramble could not see the prisoner, she knew it had to be Thorin. Now the question was _how _Bramble was going to get to him.

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The Dwarf in question had become disheartened. Thorin had not heard a word spoken since he had seen King Thranduil. From the meal schedule, Thorin guessed he had been a prisoner of the Woodland Realm for at least two weeks.

Speaking of meals, the door was unlocked. An Elf carried a tray and placed it a few feet into the room. Two guards instead of one pointed a gun at Thorin's head this day. _Something _had happened to increase security. Thorin prayed to Mahal his Company had not caused it.

The Elf carrying the tray stepped back into the hall and allowed the guards to close the door again. Thorin groaned and rubbed his face. "I am so tired of this."

"How do you think I feel?" a voice said.

Thorin leapt from his cot and looked around. In a corner by the door was a slight distortion. Bramble revealed herself, her hands behind her back.

"You are not an easy Dwarf to find, Thorin Oakenshield," Bramble said.

Thorin rubbed his eyes. "Hallucinations. I have been told this happens during solitary confinement."

"Untie me and I'll slap your stupid face to show you have most certainly have not imagined me. Actually, such a hallucination would make you a bit of a sadist seeing as I'm tied up and rather weak at the moment," Bramble said with agitation.

Thorin knelt before Bramble. He could not speak. With shaking hands, he untied the Hobbit while still kneeling before her.

Bramble talked in his place. "Everyone is fine and being cared for. Balin, Dwalin, Dís, Fíli, and Kíli all told me to tell you your diplomatic skills need some work. They also are going to be overjoyed you're safe. I'm sorry I smell. I haven't been able to even brush my teeth since Beorn's. I'll just sit in the corner until I can leave again."

Once she was untied, Thorin pulled her into a tight embrace. "I could care less you smell."

Bramble hesitantly returned the hug, hiding her face against Thorin's chest. "I feel so gross, Thorin. I'm sorry I haven't gotten you out yet. I'm trying. I promise."

Thorin rested his head on top of Bramble's, relief filling him to know she and their Company were safe. "I know and I am forever in your debt, dear burglar."

Bramble leaned completely against Thorin. "They know I'm somewhere in this building. I'm sorry. I had to sleep. I was going to pass out in the hallway if I didn't. I am so sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. You have shown your quality, Bramble, and you are worth far more than I ever imagined."

Bramble tightened her hold on Thorin. "I'm too dehydrated to cry right now. Please stop saying such nice things."

Thorin in one movement picked up Bramble and carried her to the cot. "The good news is I have a sink, so you can drink as much as you want."

She smiled. "Thank you."

Thorin grabbed the tin mug the Elves gave him to use for drink and filled it with cold water. Bramble drank it almost in one gulp. She drank two more cups before being satisfied.

"You look terrible," Thorin said.

"What every woman wants to hear," Bramble said.

"You're paler than me," Thorin said as he compared their forearms. Bramble looked like a thin layer of white had been painted over her normally brown skin. "And your clothes are loose. Have you been able to eat at all?"

"Bits and pieces. I got an energy bar one day," Bramble said.

Thorin grabbed the tray. "Eat."

"It's yours."

"And I have had regular meals."

"You're our leader. You need to stay strong."

"And you are our way out. I told you to eat."

Bramble covered her mouth and shook her head.

"Baggins…"

Bramble shook her head again.

"Fine. I'll eat."

Thorin took a small bite of bread. "Hmmmm… so good. I think it's freshly baked. So soft…" He took an olive and popped it into his mouth. "And these olives. I think they're the best I've ever had."

"You're a jerk," Bramble said as she ripped off a junk of bread.

Thorin kept his hand on Bramble's shoulders as she ate, reminding her to slow down so she would not get sick. She stopped a little over half-way through.

"Eat a little bit, please. Guilt is not good for my stomach."

Thorin consented. Bramble explained how the rest of the Company was doing and her run-in with the Elven captain, Tauriel. He felt she was leaving something out, but he could not place what it was.

"When was the last time you slept, burglar?"

"Uh… before I got tied up."

"You need your rest. The guards won't be back for several more hours. I'll wake you before then."

"We need to…"

"What we need is for you to sleep."

Bramble rubbed her arms. "I reek though."

"I don't smell pleasant either. I've been using the sink to clean up."

"Can I do that first? Is that okay? I don't think I can sleep if being clean is an option."

Thorin nodded. "Fresh washcloth and a bar of soap are on the sink. I'll be facing the door."

"Oh, wait," Bramble said. She pulled out of her pocket the map and key, still in the bag along with her father's book. "Sorry, I normally wouldn't keep these together, but this is the only map with roads we have right now. I thought it would be good to keep these together and…"

Thorin embraced Bramble again. "You are a brilliant burglar."

"Not really. Thranduil is paranoid about threats outside his kingdom, but not from within."

Thorin rested his head against Bramble's shoulder. "I would be so lost without you," he said quietly.

"Says the man who got lost in his own home to find his bedroom."

Thorin pulled back and glared. "I was three years old. I claim childhood ignorance."

Bramble laughed before standing up to stretch. "Unfortunately, your sense of direction has not improved. Fortunately, you have the rest of us to keep you on track."

Thorin turned away from the sink and flipped through Bramble's book. "You do indeed," he said to himself.

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Bramble could have fainted from how happy she was. She was clean, had eaten something more than a stolen bite, and Thorin was not mad at her. In fact, he seemed downright pleased.

She wrung out her hair one last time before turning back to Thorin. He studied her book with more intensity than Bramble expected.

"Anything useful?" Bramble asked as she sat behind him on the cot.

"Hmmm… your Father truly loved you," Thorin said, "I can tell by the little notes he made about places he thought you would like."

Bramble's heart twitched slightly in pain. "Yes, he did."

Thorin turned around and gave the book back to Bramble. "We are going to have to cross Texas. It might be better to stick to highways instead of back roads."

The Hobbit nodded. "Okay. Um… can I borrow a blanket so I can sleep?"

Thorin immediately sat on the floor. "Rest. I'll wake you when the guards come."

"It can't be comfortable."

"I need to do my exercises. Keeps me sane and I don't feel as great of a need to punch the walls."

"Thorin…"

"Baggins…"

Bramble collapsed dramatically on the bed. "Dwarves." She curled up under the blankets. "There is a bit of room at the end if you need to sit."

Thorin made a noise of agreement. As Bramble fell asleep, she said, "I just realized you have a beard now."

"No razors."

"You look good either way." If she had not been so exhausted, Bramble would have been mortified.

She felt Thorin's warm hand rest against her shoulder. "Sleep, Bramble. I'll look after you."

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_Bramble dreamed it was the Fell Winter again. It was so cold glass shattered if pressed too hard. The Hobbits starved. The river froze. Bad omens were all about them._

_She was not there when the Orcs and wargs came during the real Fell Winter. She saw their destruction of lives and homes afterwards. In her dream, she stood on the bank of the river closest to Hobbiton. Orcs and wargs crossed the Brandywine River before tearing into the houses of Hobbits. There was nothing but blood everywhere. Children were ripped from their parents' arms and slaughtered. In her dream, all Bramble could do was watch._

_What was new was Thorin. He stood behind her and said, "Everything will be alright. It's just a dream. Dreams will bring you no harm, Hobbit."_

_Bramble turned to him. The winter began to melt and the screams faded. It was spring. Thorin looked a little out of place in his leather jacket and heavy boots, but he was smiled kindly at her. "Sleep well, dear burglar."_

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Thorin hated waking Bramble. Her sleep had been plagued with dark dreams, but he had been able to calm her by speaking to her or even singing. She began to look like herself again, but he could hear the doors opening and closing. "Burglar, wake up."

Bramble sat up and rubbed her eyes. "What is it?"

"Under the bed," Thorin said.

She did as he asked without question. Bramble slipped on the ring just as Thorin threw the blanket casually over the side of the cot to hide most of her as the Elves brought in his food. A minute later, Thorin grabbed Bramble out from under the bed while she pulled off her ring.

"Alright, burglar?" Thorin asked.

"Yeah." She yawned. "Thanks for the nap. I should have left sooner though."

"You can leave at the next meal. Eat."

They sat in silence as they ate together. Thorin spoke first after the tray was cleared. "Were you dreaming of the Orcs we have faced?"

"No. Not those Orcs."

Thorin got another cup of water from the sink for Bramble. "The Fell Winter?"

Bramble shivered and nodded.

"Are you going to talk about it, Hobbit?"

She thought for a moment. "Only if you tell me why you still aren't sleeping. Don't deny it. You look terrible."

Thorin rubbed his beard as he thought. "I asked first."

"But you're more evasive than me."

Thorin smiled slightly and took her hand. "You have my word, Baggins." He was going to release her hand, but her grip tightened and he would not let go if she would not.

Bramble told him of the Fell Winter. The cold and the starvation. The loss of hope. The Orcs and wargs. How Gandalf and the Rangers had to save the Hobbits both with food and protection. She still had nightmares about it as apparently did most Hobbits who lived through it. The whole time Thorin could see how desperately she tried not to panic or cry.

"Your turn," Bramble said.

Thorin cleared his throat. And he did it again.

Bramble said, "I don't have any room to judge, you know. You could be having nightmares about clowns and I would think it is a legitimate concern."

"I can shoot clowns. This is not like that."

Bramble placed her other hand with their two joined ones. "And that is why you need to talk about it. It is the only chance you have to kill this fear."

Thorin looked away from her at the opposite wall and then looked at her hands. "I died, Bramble. I went to the Halls of Mandos and I came back."

"Oh."

Thorin looked up. "I just told you I have come back from the Other Side of Death and all you can say is 'oh'?"

"Wow?" Bramble offered.

Thorin groaned. "I knew this was a bad idea."

"No. No. I'm sorry. I am taking this seriously. I am just trying to process it and I know it must be a million times more confusing for you. I'm sorry."

Thorin rested his head against the wall and looked at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry," Bramble said.

He shrugged. "It's not your fault. You just always seem to… know and I was just disappointed, though I have no right to be."

Bramble rested her head against Thorin's shoulder, making his stomach jump. "I don't know everything, Thorin. I am here for you for whatever you need."

"I am blessed to have such a friend," he said. Thorin inwardly slapped himself. He was being too forward with her. They were barely on speaking terms. Maybe he had been alone too long in his cell. Maybe…

"And I'm blessed to have you as a friend too," Bramble said.

Thorin smiled perhaps a bit too broadly. He rested his head against hers. Once again, he fell asleep next to her.

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A/N: Anyone who knows where the "mostly harmless" reference is from gets a cookie.


End file.
